I have always gone by my heart instead of my mind. I think with my heart. I live through my heart. And I think I always will.
But when you live through your heart, it breaks much easier. I have lost many people both through life and death. When my journey in the hospital first began, many of the people who were closest to me started to back away. Inching further and further back until the point where now we do not even make eye contact passing each other in the halls at school. They made me feel that I was too much to carry. That because of who I am, it is just too hard to be with me.
I always trusted people with my heart. I thought I knew people when really I didn’t. But when I found I was wrong, the trust in me floated away to the point where I felt I should not trust anyone. Because I will always be too much for people. It is just something I have to live with.
I struggle letting other people in. I feel that for them to be close to me, they need to know all I have been through. But if I tell them, I think they would probably just back away. I am too scared to really let people in because I am scared of losing another person close to me.
Heres the thing though, if I tell one person and this person leaves because of it, I do not need them in my life. It should not make someone run. Those who care about me most, will be those who stay by my side. Those who hug me when I am on the floor shaking. Those who will tell me they love me and stay when I tell them to go away so I can be alone. Because I am no burden.
Believe me I know how much it hurts to feel lonely. How it feels like no one will stay. How everyone leaves. But also know that someone loves you. And I know that if one person stays and a million leave, the one person is the only person that matters. Trust is scary and I am still figuring out how to trust those I meet. I still am learning how to let those who know little about me in.
So lets figure this out together. Let our hearts trust. Because I would rather share my heart and have a little crack in it then to never share at all. The crack will always mend but the regret of not knowing will last. Be open. You are special to so many people. You define you. Not the people who leave.