It was only two years ago that I did not believe I would be living to that night. It was only a year ago that I did not think I would be graduating high school. It was only months ago that I thought about ending up in college. And now I am in my second month of living out of my home, going every week to my classes, and the longest time I have gone without self-harming. Never did I think these days would come.
Yet, here I am. Alive and living, not just surviving.
I never made this blog with the intention that many people think I have. I did not make it for people to give me sympathy for my struggles. That is the last thing I need. I did not make it to try to prove to people that I am strong and I know how to live life “right.” Because believe me, I have no idea what I am doing most days of the week. All I know is what helped me in the times of my darkness. And that is what I try to do for others, be their glimpse of light.
When I meet with those who suffer, one of the things I often say is that if I have enough strength to live, so do they. And it is so true. Before my life hit the floor, I never once thought I was strong. I never once thought that I would be able to handle the hard things that life throws at me. I was so wrong.
We doubt ourselves more than we will admit. Do you realize how many days you have gone through? How many hours of suffering you have lived in? Yet you are still alive.
Sometimes I cry at just the thought of how far I have come. How strong I really am. And for once in my life I will admit that I AM proud of myself. It still completely blows my mind that I am in college right now. Not only that, but I made friends, I go to class, and I am living with no pain of self-harm. I have gotten through my hard days, days of not wanting to get out of bed or days I spent sobbing. I did it.
So can you. Even if you are not at this point yet, you will be. One day whether it be tomorrow or in two years, you will finally feel strength. You will know how it truly feels to be free. It takes time and there is no rush. We all move in paces we can handle. It took me years to feel some release of all the darkness that was over my eyes. And slowly it lifted, just as it will for you. There will be many days where you will feel that it is not worth pushing through. Where you will say screw it and will want to just give up. Do not give up now. I gave up so many times before I got here, but then I tried again. And each step I made, made all the difference.
It will not be easy. I won’t lie to you. But it will be worth it. Because I have seen so many more days of beauty and light. I have met so many wonderful faces. And I can now say that I can fight. I know my strength. And I know my worth. And the next time I feel like my weakness will overcome, I will go back and read this moment. For when and if my bed or my razors are calling my name, I will blast my music and dance instead.