Saving My Solitude

I often get caught in the idea that being alone and being lonely is the same thing. For so long in my life I have been dependent on other people. Especially in the years that I struggled with my social anxiety, I could not even leave the house alone. But even as I strengthened my thoughts into believing it is okay to go places alone, I still wished someone would come with. It made me feel more content, more confident.

I hate that. I hate that for so long I did not see how beautiful it is to be content in my solitude. I hate that I felt worthless without somebody by my side at all times. I am the same person with or without people at my door.

“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person – without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.”

If tomorrow the world decided to stop turning. All you knew was gone. And all you are left with is you, your creations, and your being; would you be okay? Would you be filled with love because you have been filling your own soul already or would you be empty because you give all of your love away and never get enough in return?

All I wish in life is to be full in my own worth. Be bathing in self care. And glowing with self love. I want to be able to wake up and watch the sunrise alone and be okay with it. I want to go see a movie and buy myself a large blue raspberry icee just for me. I want to go to my favorite restaurant, say “just one please,” and eat tacos while reading my favorite book.

Because even though I will be doing all things alone, I will never be lonely. As long as I fill my own soul.

xoxo

Sky

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