I started this decade out as a 9 year old catholic school girl. I am now ending it as an 18 going on 19 year old art student. As time has no choice but to keep going, we have no choice but to follow along. So as long as I am here while a new year rings in once again, I will do nothing but keep moving, just as time does.
I never thought I would make it to age 16. I am now 18. And as soon as tomorrow comes I will realize that I soon will be 19. I never thought tomorrow would come, yet it did. I never thought childhood would end, yet it went. I never thought I would get to say I survived, but here I am typing this blog. Life works in mysterious ways which is the reason life seems so scary at times. It is unbearable yet brings contentment. It is fascinating and sometimes I wish to be naive. It is heartbreaking, selfish, and hard. But then it is the thing that puts my heart back together, keeps giving and giving, and softens the falls of each day.
In 2020 I do not wish to be a “new me.” I wish to be the me that I am. The me that wants forever to grow and change. I want the me that is fully human. That feels everything, even the snowflakes as they fall from the sky. To say “new year, new me” would just be a lie. You see this year I wish to get out of bed every day. I wish to not have any hatred in my heart. I wish to forgive. But not forget because people may hurt you more than once. I wish to be more thankful. I wish to live through gratitude. I wish to be able to say, “I do not ask for much.” I wish to live simply. I wish to love myself wholely. I wish to say thank you to my parents more often. And I love you. I wish to say more hi’s than goodbye’s. I wish to try to always say yes except when a man tries to belittle me. I wish to be truly content. Yes I would wish to be more happy but happy is so often confused with this overcoming feeling of joy, that I know will not always be how I feel. So I wish to feel okay with all of my feelings. Because I know there will be days of self-doubt and suffering. Days filled with sadness and clouds. But there will also be days filled with gratitude and love. Days where I feel the warmth of the sun the entire day. And that, that is what I wish for. For life to be all too much and all too little because I wish to live and not just survive.
2020. I walk into you heart full, hands open, the universe within my eyes. My armor is on like the warrior I am and my worries are in the back of my mind. I welcome you into the world because I now welcome all of the change and challenges that come with you. New year, more days.
Always with love,