Who do most people not go to for love advice? Probably a nineteen year old girl who is diagnosed with mental illnesses. But I do not really go by what people normally do so of course I decided to take matters into my own hands and write about love. Or the closest thing you can get to it when being nineteen and being horrible at relationships.
If you are close with me, you have definitely heard me say that I do not think I will ever get married. And when most people hear this, they do not really question it just thinking that it is probably because I am a huge feminist, who can have a week long conversation about why I wouldn’t sign my life away to one man. Or simply just because I have a book called, “How To Date Men When You Hate Men.” But believe it or not, that is not my reasoning behind that thought at all.
I just do not think any person can handle me and the mental illnesses I struggle with. I always say that I cannot even handle my emotions, let alone a whole different human. Who has their own life, with their own struggles already. Sad right.
Since the moment I have felt overwhelmed with my emotions, I have thought this hopeless thought. And I can tell you right now that so many people think this simply because of a diagnoses. I am a lover, with a mental illness or without, I am capable of loving and being loved.
Each time the cycle of a new lover comes into my life, I think this thought. I give my whole heart to him, I am open about all I struggle with, and I tell him to let me know if I ever feel too much for him. Each boy replies with a hug saying that he can “handle it.”
Since the world decided that now was a good time to make all people sit at home with nothing but their thoughts for two months, I now see how messed up my way of thinking in each relationship was. I may have been told that I have a mental health diagnoses but I also have been told that I am hilarious. (Yes I told myself that.) But that is not the point. The point is that my diagnoses is one small aspect of who I am. It may feel huge to me somedays and it may feel like that is all I am at moments. But there is so much more that makes me up.
The fact that I needed each boy to tell me they could handle me, makes me want to kick myself in the face. If the person you are with cannot handle you crying, than why would you even want to be with them? If someone cannot handle giving you validation when you believe that everyone on the planet hates you because of your depression, than they are probably too self-centered to even help you up after you fall.
Being in a relationship when you or the person you love is mentally ill is nothing more than any other relationship. It takes understanding, trust, and endless love. And yes, to the person who struggles, it may seem hopeless. I am telling you right now, that it is filled with hope. So if you feel unlovable by one because of the struggles life hands you, then you are not with the right person.
We all may have these struggles that we think make relationships harder, when really in the right relationship, it will make the love even stronger. Believe me when I say your mental illness is not the problem in the relationship. And with the right one, it will never be blamed.