I never believed in “bettering” yourself in this time of being quarantined. I knew from the start that being isolated from people I love and places I love, would put me in a depressed state. So each day I have been taking it one day at a time. And there are definitely days where I cry and feel hopeless. But there are others where I turn that grieving into art or go out and help those who are alone. With each day comes a new outlook.
Of course I believe we all should be “bettering” ourselves whenever it is possible. But I felt like I could never better myself if I did not learn more about myself first. So I decided to put my extra time into the research of me. Figuring out how to cope with certain emotions, seeing what I honestly do not really like about myself, and learning how to truly ground myself and be the spiritual person I always have wanted to be.
None of this is easy. The scariest thing to people is facing their true selves. But for me, I felt like the only way I will ever live a fulfilled life is by knowing every inch of who I am. And the one thing that has completely changed my perspective is learning how to just be. I feel like my whole life I have put so much pressure to be a certain person, to act a certain way, to live a certain life. And that pressure as led me to believe that I am not worthy, deserving, good, pretty, or kind enough for most things that the universe wants to hand me. That entire time I could have been believing in myself and loving myself the way I have always wanted to.
The universe gives you what you put out into the world. The universe owes you nothing. And you can live your entire life searching for answers and only living in your own little world, and still be content. But once you figure out that all you need is inside of you, you start loving each piece of you that you did not even know existed.
I always believed in sayings like “everything happens for a reason” and “what is meant to be will be” but I never had the power to put those beliefs into play in my life. So I was filled with constant anxiety about the future or past. I put so much pressure on myself that only made my mental health suffer even more. I do not think I ever felt at peace even in my most peace-filled moments. Until it hit me that I needed to choose me.
It is hard to look inward when you already think poorly about yourself. And it is hard to look inward when the outside world is so very confusing. But it will never make sense if we do not first understand how it makes us feel. It is often hard to learn about yourself when you are constantly being told by others who you are. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. This new form of living that I have started to practice has made me understand so much about who I am, the reason I react to things the way I do, and the biggest thing is I have learned to just let it be. I now feel genuinely grateful for all I have and I will let my life just keep moving.
It is very hard to be in touch with yourself when you struggle with a mental illness. Many times we think that is all that we are and no one can fix that. We listen to the people that think we are not capable of what life has to offer and we listen to the people that call us “crazy.” Believe me I have been there many times. No matter what there will still be people in my life that hear one diagnoses and paint a certain picture of me in their head. But never again will I not be at peace with myself. And to me, that is all that matters.
This life is a long journey with many waves but might as well surf them while we can. So start loving each crack and each scar that you just found you have. Reframe your thinking. Your world is not the only world that exists. There is no reason to fight what is happening in your life. The universe has plans for you and gives you everything for a reason. Soak it all in.