I was diagnosed with bi-polar in 2017, I can’t remember which type of bi-polar because I didn’t think that was important. As I read the definitions from Google now, I could see myself belonging in 1 then but 2 now. I think that’s a major point, because I could interpret that there is no difference between the two since I can relate to both or I could interpret that my mind is volatile & unreliable.
I still don’t like talking about this because I’ll think the latter is more accurate but then stop myself because why would I be more unique than anyone else whose been psychologically studied?
Regardless I find that identifying myself doesn’t have any practical benefits, I’ll find someone with the same identification only to find differences & I’ll find someone with a different diagnosis only to find our similarities. I hope that sentence isn’t too shocking because I’ve learned that is what every single human being experiences on some level.
I received my diagnosis because in March 2017 on the cusp of releasing my new album (Bloody Bloody X-Ray) I had stayed up 3 nights in a row without becoming tired. My parents had just separated & I was proudly going through this album release process solo, I wasn’t talking to anyone. Most people I knew made fun of my previous album (The Stranger, 2016) or didn’t even acknowledge it so I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I guess my mind started talking to itself. First I found god, realizing I was never alone this whole time, something’s there, I don’t usually call it god but it’s a simple name that’s useful. Then I began to perceive new versions of reality in my mind, since I wasn’t listening to anyone I never had any family or social life issues explained to me at the time, I just started making assumptions from my perspective. By the next morning I thought my high school was involved with a conspiracy to kill me & my whole family knew about it. By now I was acting like a person who thought these things along with writing a bunch of social media posts about how everyone thought I was gay (while also saying shoutout all the gay people). So my mom took me to see a professional. I was certainly acting strange along with my thoughts but everyone around me at this time was acting weirder.
Maybe I wouldn’t say that if they explained anything but that never happened they just wanted to hear me speak. I never fell asleep until I had some Benadryl.
Throughout the following weeks I was out of school still imagining what I was, I went through the death of every family member & friend, meaning emotionally I went through the process of them being dead & it being my fault. If I wasn’t with them I imagined they had been killed by this conspiracy to keep us individuals silent, sometimes when I saw them again I wouldn’t think it was actually them. My medication was an anti-psychotic for nights & an antidepressant for the day. I ended up in the hospital at one point & tried to kill myself because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I thought it was the only way to change my reality.
I eventually came back to finish my junior year of high school before it ended in May. Many nights & days of sleep brought my mind back to a stable place. I wanted off the medication immediately.
I had a similar episode in February 2019, again from not sleeping but this one was different. I still fell back on some of those same conspiracies but this one wasn’t as bad. I was back at school by March.
Today in 2020, I’ve released this new album “Push & Pull” about my perspective on the universe. Through my condition I’ve found similarities in everything, I would be euphorically uplifted then devastated the next moment only to bring myself up again just to crash like the time before. I realized I wasn’t “crashing” when I was sad or “lifting” when I was happy, that’s just one way to look at it, they were two sides of the same coin. Like the earth revolving from day & night or our lungs breathing in & out, this pattern is everywhere. Opposites are the reason the other exists, both sides exist simultaneously, objective & subjective, taking turns at each. It doesn’t take any drugs to realize this or even education, just simple observation with our minds. Of course it is easier to say that than it is to acknowledge it everyday but through practice we can identify our tunnel vision more accurately. I am bi-polar but I don’t think I’m much different than everyone else, I will just feel like I am more often than not. I think about those manic episodes I’ve had, worried it might happen again but I have faith.
There’s so many decisions in life we can’t make. You could say that’s all the work of “god”, or “the universe” but there’s also decisions we can make. The more we look for these decisions, the better choices we make. We still have to deal with darkness about every 12 hours no matter what but we can choose to deal with it or just look at it, in a way that is best for us.