If there was one word to describe how I have been feeling lately, it would be drained. To be honest, I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling sick. I am sick of the meds. I am sick of the psychiatrist appointments and talking to my therapist. I am sick of feeling numb or crazy and rarely an in between. I am sick of people saying I am “too much” and leaving because of it. I am sick of feeling guilty for this illness. And I am tired of feeling like a burden because of something I wish I could control. I am sick of people feeling bad for me one day and thinking I am faking the next. Neither is what I want. I am so beyond sick of having a mental illness.
And that is the truth.
I am exhausted. And if you are reading this, I bet you have been at this point in your mental health journey many times. Sometimes it is just too much to hold.
I want to be able to wake up happy more than I do. I want to want to get out of bed. I want to shower every day and brush my teeth twice a day without it seeming too hard. I want to not cry while making my bed or choosing an outfit. I want to do yoga and go on runs. I want to eat. Three full meals every day. I want to be hungry again. I want to not have scars. And not keep adding to them. I want to feel healthy again. I want to not shake trying to dance. Or walking up stairs. I want my body to stop being sore after shaking for too long. I want to feel alive. I want more days of wanting to live.
Healing is a process but never do we talk about the moments where we wish to just give up. When one has a mental illness, it is a lifelong battle. As well as a lifetime of healing. It is okay to feel like you wish you could just stop everything and try living without dealing with your illness. But know when you feel that, you just need to keep pushing. It sucks. And I mean really really sucks. But I know I would rather be taking some pills in the morning than feeling like I am going to go jump off a bridge.
We are warriors. Mental illnesses are not just hard but draining. Feel your feelings. It is okay to be angry and wish to not have this illness. But you are you for a reason. Take care of yourself above anything else. You deserve happiness no matter what you deal with.