I have written this blog every year, on this day, the day that I decided to live. And each year my goal has been to let all of my readers know that suicide is not the answer. I mean if I did not make it past sixteen, I would have missed out on the most fulfilling, happy, and most amazing moments that have gone on in my life since that day. I would not be here writing this right now.
This year was hard for everyone. And whoever doesn’t want to admit they struggled in some way, are complete liars. So in this blog, I wanted to do something different. Because for the first time in my life, I was able to lean on my friends for support this year. If you know me, you know that one of my biggest struggles is believing I am a burden. And with that, I was always too scared to show the real side of me that does struggle with a mental illness. All through high school, the “friends” (that were really not friends at all) that I had would never help me when I was down. And for most people, when they see me have an episode, they tend to leave. I was very use to this way of life. Hiding my emotions until I could talk to my mom or my therapist. Feeling like if I asked anyone else to just hug me while down, I would be looked at differently.
So instead of writing a blog about me, I want to write this blog about the people that not only make me feel loved at all times but also genuinely save my life by just being in it everyday.
I’ll start with the person who has been right by my side since I was six years old. My best friend Annie, has been the one person who has gotten the hardest days of me, she has seen every side of me. She loved me as a diva little dancer, a goth high schooler, and a struggling young adult. But through it all, she never once left my side. While I was being bullied in high school and the months I would spend in hospitalization, she would still be right there acting just as we did at six years old. Life has been so hard for both of us, for such different reasons. And we have struggled together many times. And where other people have said I was “too much to handle” she would just give me a hug and make sure I was okay.
Now only the luckiest of people fall in love with their best friend, so I must be the luckiest girl in the whole world then. My boyfriend, Lee, is one of the main reasons I have sunshine in my world. I never thought that I would ever be able to fully show my struggles in a relationship and not be broken up with right after. In my life people have said, “oh I can handle it” when talking about my mental illness. But he didn’t even need to say that. He just loves me for me. He doesn’t see me as a mental illness, he just knows I have bad days. But every single time I have a day where I feel the negative thoughts racing, he knows how to make me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I always thought that in order to be in love you had to fully love yourself, but what he has shown me is that being in love with the right person, can make you love yourself more than you ever have.
My best friend, Myles, is who I would definitely call my guardian angel. It is rare to find people that truly crave the best for you. And this year, would have been filled with many more struggles if it wasn’t for him coming into my room each day. Whether it is to make sure I took my medications or to come in and just simply make me laugh until I pee. He never lets me feel alone. Even though his own life is crazy and hard, he always is there for every single one of our friends in an instant. And the days of suffering he has made into laughter I will always cherish.
Lastly, but definitely not the least, is my best friend Ciara. We have only been friends for over one year but to me she is my sister for my life. Living with someone who has a serious mental illness, isn’t easy. And I told her since the first day we talked about living together that I am sorry if I make it hard for her. And you know what she says when I say that? She laughs. She is by my side through every single day. She has been there when I get sick from medicine. When I am manic and won’t stop talking. When I wake up depressed and walk into her room crying, she makes me laugh. I genuinely feel that this girl has saved my life more times than I can even count.
None of these people have perfect lives. And they all struggle in different ways. But I need to say thank you for being there for me and making me understand how beautiful this world and life is. I now have the strength, confidence, and courage to live my life knowing I am capable because of you guys. And I will be grateful my entire life.
I decided to live three years ago today. That was the best decision I have ever made.
It is worth it. Life is worth it. Stay.
Annie on Instagram: @fanniepack_
Lee on Instagram: @lee.gnau
Myles on Instagram: @myles_qualter
Ciara on Instagram: @ccciaraaa