Every day my inner monologue questions what my thoughts are telling me. As I grow older and live longer with this disorder in my brain, I have learned to rethink every thought that comes to mind. “Is this reality? Or is my disorder telling me I suck?,” is usually what I have to take a step back and think. And honestly I have gotten very good at understanding my thoughts and actions. In order for me to be happy, my self awareness needs to kick my brain into reality.
But this is not easy when the world tells you, you suck. What I have realized lately, is that the biggest issue I struggle with, is thinking I am always the one in the wrong because I am mentally ill. I have been writing this blog for almost five years now, preaching about not labeling myself, but here I am struggling everyday doing just that thing. Why? Because the world told me from the start, that I am the one sick.
News flash world, I can’t be sick when there are people in this world that actually still LIKE Trump. Sorry that is just not possible.
So I deciding to write this. To let you all know how hateful and sick I am. Just from being diagnosed with a mental illness.
If you speak to old friends. I am sure they will tell you I am crazy. That I am opinionated but not in the way they want me to be. That I am real, so they can’t fake being real around me. And I am not scared to let them know either. So I must be scary. Cause I sometimes get super depressed and self harm. They will say that it is disgusting to see. “You triggered me.” They often say, the day I don’t where long sleeves. And “that’s too much.” For them, they say. But not for me going through it every single day. Did you know it is easier for me? I have been told it is. I get to use my mental illness as an excuse. And get out of things I don’t want to do. Not because I am actually sick but just because I want to. The girls will say it’s weird that I hardly have girl friends but they don’t know what trauma I have from them. And the guys will say I am the one that is fake. It must be so hard to see a woman stronger than men. But I just let them believe this way.
People will forever try to say I am crazy. But what they don’t realize is that I am not even “crazy” because of my mental illness. I am “crazy” because that is an easy excuse for them. It is so easy to make someone who openly struggles the bad guy. It is what bullies have been doing since the beginning of time. Taking someone’s greatest struggle and destroying them for it.
Well that just will not happen to me. I won’t allow it. Nor will I allow neurotypical people to try to belittle me into some hateful human that raids the capitol. Cause really I am just chilling in my apartment watching Love Island.
Hate is not a mental illness. And “crazy” is not a word that is even close to someone who struggles with one. I am stronger than most people think. The fact that I wake up every morning proves this to me. And for the people that want to prey on those who already feel weak, maybe you should try learning from us. The one’s you believe are “crazy.”
xoxo
Sky