“As the humanitarian of the zodiac, Aquarians are committed to creating a large-scale impact from the ground up, which means these revolutionaries are all about macro change. They aspire to move radically through social progress, so if they seem disinterested, it’s likely because the issue at hand isn’t community-focused. Shifting the conversation from “me” to “we.” – Allure
If you know about astrology or horoscopes, you probably look at me and think, “Yup, she is the definition of a February Aquarius.” And I get that often. Whether it is my clashing patterns of the clothes I wear with the overbearing amount of accessories. Or the fact that I cannot handle small talk. I scream Aquarius.
My twenty-first birthday is this Wednesday February 9th. Each year I end up crying. Never have I thought about the reason why or even noticed this cycle that has continued for the past six years. Until yesterday.
There’s many parts of myself I am still learning to love. With every new thing I love, there is something I find wrong. The fact that I have this mental illness. Or the fact that so many days in my life, it feels as though my life should be over. Or that it could be. The bitter sweetness of feeling alive yet not being able to wrap your head around the fact that within one moment, I could have not been here today. So why the hell am I here, when so many of my friends that have been through the same thing as me aren’t?
I don’t know. Nor will I ever. That is just how life works and on days like yesterday, I feel an overbearing feeling of confusion, hurt, and hopelessness. Celebrating my birthday starts to feel like I am just celebrating the fact that I happened to stay alive. But that’s not true.
For some reason, I had to stay here. Whether I understand that isn’t an option to ask myself anymore. The more I am stuck on that, the less I am living my life. So I have to remember the reason I want to live the best I can.
The only thing that keeps me going is hope. That all of my angel friends are able to walk with me through this life, because they have saved mine. So I want you to remember there are no coincidences in life. It is not that it just so happens to be that within the worst moments of my life, I made the best friends for life. That, that very reason is the reason I felt like I was cared for again. It isn’t just a coincidence that at age six I became locker buddies with the one person in my life that would stay by my side through heaven and hell. That when that same best friend moved to the city growing up through high school, I was healing back in our suburban town. And when she moved across the country for college to start healing, I went to the city to start growing up. It is that same reason, that when I got to college and was missing my best friend in California, I met my college best friend who not just so happens to live two hours from where my childhood best friend goes to school. That my college best friend happened to grow up being a competitive cheerleader, whereas I was a competitive dancer. That my two best friends are now friends. That both of them decided one day that I was worth it. Just as it was worth being best friends with my now boyfriend of almost two years. It wasn’t a coincidence that the entire reason we even met in the first place is because we both were looking for people to go to our favorite artist’s concert. That his then roommate asked if he could come into my dorm room freshman year of college. Or the broken hearts we had to go through when we both really just wanted each others. It is no coincidence that I lived and made it my purpose to help others do just that. There are just no coincidences.
Whether or not there is a reason, I still will always wonder. And there will always be days where I question, “Why me?” But on those days, I will now remember them. Each name, smile, air hug (you weren’t allowed to touch in the mental hospital), therapy session, and laugh of all my sweet friends that don’t get to turn twenty one.
So, Happy Birthday, to the souls that didn’t get to make it to this day. I celebrate you with every inch of my being. My birthday is yours too and I will make sure to keep going as long as I am supposed to. In the mean time, I will try to make sure we don’t keep losing people like us.
I love you. And I miss you.