Two years later, I am still alive

I remember the moment I decided I did not want to live anymore. I was sitting on the floor in the hallway of my upstairs. I had been in what I slept in all day. My family was planning on going to see a movie so I went upstairs to change into something I can go out in. I ended up sobbing into my hands while laying on the floor instead.

It is hard to believe that, that was my life two years ago today. That within moments I could have not been here, two years later. Oh how happy I am to be here.

This blog is dedicated to you, the one who is reading this right now. You are alive. And I am sure you have had many bad days, moments. But I am also sure, that you are alive because you have had many amazing, heart warming moments, too. And if you have struggled with suicide or you are struggling right now at this moment. Look at you, you above all things in life are alive. Right now you are living.

After that day two years ago, I told myself I would start living each day as if it was my last. And although there have been so many days of pain, I have conquered them. And I have lived each day just as I wished. Whether it was saying “screw it, I am going to get out of bed.” Or ‘‘I am going to kayak through caves in the middle of the ocean in California.” No matter what I choose to do that day, I did it because that is what I wanted to do. I did it for myself.

Life is so strange, so beautiful, and so confusing. But one thing I am sure of, is that we are each living for a reason. Each one of us was put on this insane earth to do, to say, to be something. If I left this earth that day, this blog would have never even started. I would have never written a book or gone to college. I would have never fallen in love or gotten my heart broken. I would have never gotten to see my new baby cousin be born or send my best friend off to live her life across the country.

In this life, my time will come, when it comes. But I will not be choosing my fate that is to come. Because this life is mad and crazy but if I believe in one thing, it is that life happens whether you want it to or not. Imagine how lovely it will be when the darkness leaves, because believe me, one day it will. And you will be sitting in Starbucks two years later, thinking about all you have overcome, and you will sit smiling. Sunshine shining on you. I am proud of you for just simply living this long, keep pushing.

Xoxo

Sky

Two years later, I am still alive

I remember the moment I decided I was not going to live anymore. I was sitting on the floor in the hallway of my upstairs. I had been in what I slept in all day. My family was planning on going to see a movie so I went upstairs to change into something I can go out in. I ended up sobbing into my hands while laying on the floor instead.

It is hard to believe that, that was my life two years ago today. That within moments I could have not been here, two years later. Oh how happy I am to be here.

This blog is dedicated to you, the one who is reading this right now. You are alive. And I am sure you have had many bad days, moments. But I am also sure, that you are alive because you have had many amazing, heart warming moments, too. And if you have struggled with suicide or you are struggling right now at this moment. Look at you, you above all things in life are alive. Right now you are living.

After that day two years ago, I told myself I would start living each day as if it was my last. And although there have been so many days of pain, I have conquered them. And I have lived each day just as I wished. Whether it was saying “screw it, I am going to get out of bed.” Or ‘‘I am going to kayak through caves in the middle of the ocean in California.” No matter what I choose to do that day, I did it because that is what I wanted to do. I did it for myself.

Life is so strange, so beautiful, and so confusing. But one thing I am sure of, is that we are each living for a reason. Each one of us was put on this insane earth to do, to say, to be something. If I left this earth that day, this blog would have never even started. I would have never written a book or gone to college. I would have never fallen in love or gotten my heart broken. I would have never gotten to see my new baby cousin be born or send my best friend off to live her life across the country.

In this life, my time will come, when it comes. But I will not be choosing my fate that is to come. Because this life is mad and crazy but if I believe in one thing, it is that life happens whether you want it to or not. Imagine how lovely it will be when the darkness leaves, because believe me, one day it will. And you will be sitting in Starbucks two years later, thinking about all you have overcome, and you will sit smiling. Sunshine shining on you. I am proud of you for just simply living this long, keep pushing.

Xoxo

Sky

Human, In Full Form

“You are not stupid, just human. You are very human. It is cool. It is cool to be human, everyone else tries to be perfect and perfect is not human. Emotion and vulnerability and mistakes and the good and bad are human. I think you haven’t been around the right people that’s all. We haven’t even started our second semester of our first year of college, there’s a lot of people you’ll meet who will accept you as you are with no expectations. And you will find more people like me who appreciate you for the person you are now, not the person you could be or will be after therapy or help blah blah blah, we all love you for who you are now today. So just keep being unforgivingly human and understand that part of that is awfully sad things and some of that is beauty.”

I have believed for most of my life thus far, that I am hard to love. Quite simply because I have flaws. And it is very obvious in all minds that these flaws that I contain are not minor, yet it is even more obvious that I do not try to hide any of my flaws.

I have believed for most of my life that if I just stopped living my truth completely, and became someone who often showed only perfection, than less people would leave me. I would not be so hard to love. You see, I often fall into habits. The moment I feel like life is too hard. That I am not worthy of love. I begin to think that it is because I have too many flaws and I am not perfect like other girls. How untrue that is.

My mind contradicts my words every single day. I am constantly saying how wonderful it feels to be wholely and completely human. Because that is exactly what and who I am. And never will I ever try to hide this about myself. Because I am not perfect, and no real, authentic person is. But that does not mean I deserve any less love. And finally being around people who make me feel that I am easy to love, has showed me how wonderful it is to be me.

So I would like this blog to be for the utterly human. I love you. The man who sent me that first paragraph as I was sitting sobbing in my car. I love you. For those who have only been surrounded by people who do not have the soul capacity to see all of your beauty. I love you. And one day, maybe tomorrow or in five years, you will be soaking in all of the human that makes up you. You are a precious stone only some should ever hold. So remember this as you cry for not feeling loved the way you wish to be. For the day has not come yet where you have met people who make you feel like sunshine by just thinking of them. It will happen. But all things beautiful take time. Breathe.

Xoxo

Sky

In A Year’s Time

I started this decade out as a 9 year old catholic school girl. I am now ending it as an 18 going on 19 year old art student. As time has no choice but to keep going, we have no choice but to follow along. So as long as I am here while a new year rings in once again, I will do nothing but keep moving, just as time does.

I never thought I would make it to age 16. I am now 18. And as soon as tomorrow comes I will realize that I soon will be 19. I never thought tomorrow would come, yet it did. I never thought childhood would end, yet it went. I never thought I would get to say I survived, but here I am typing this blog. Life works in mysterious ways which is the reason life seems so scary at times. It is unbearable yet brings contentment. It is fascinating and sometimes I wish to be naive. It is heartbreaking, selfish, and hard. But then it is the thing that puts my heart back together, keeps giving and giving, and softens the falls of each day.

In 2020 I do not wish to be a “new me.” I wish to be the me that I am. The me that wants forever to grow and change. I want the me that is fully human. That feels everything, even the snowflakes as they fall from the sky. To say “new year, new me” would just be a lie. You see this year I wish to get out of bed every day. I wish to not have any hatred in my heart. I wish to forgive. But not forget because people may hurt you more than once. I wish to be more thankful. I wish to live through gratitude. I wish to be able to say, “I do not ask for much.” I wish to live simply. I wish to love myself wholely. I wish to say thank you to my parents more often. And I love you. I wish to say more hi’s than goodbye’s. I wish to try to always say yes except when a man tries to belittle me. I wish to be truly content. Yes I would wish to be more happy but happy is so often confused with this overcoming feeling of joy, that I know will not always be how I feel. So I wish to feel okay with all of my feelings. Because I know there will be days of self-doubt and suffering. Days filled with sadness and clouds. But there will also be days filled with gratitude and love. Days where I feel the warmth of the sun the entire day. And that, that is what I wish for. For life to be all too much and all too little because I wish to live and not just survive.

2020. I walk into you heart full, hands open, the universe within my eyes. My armor is on like the warrior I am and my worries are in the back of my mind. I welcome you into the world because I now welcome all of the change and challenges that come with you. New year, more days.

Always with love,

Xoxo

Sky

Saving My Solitude

I often get caught in the idea that being alone and being lonely is the same thing. For so long in my life I have been dependent on other people. Especially in the years that I struggled with my social anxiety, I could not even leave the house alone. But even as I strengthened my thoughts into believing it is okay to go places alone, I still wished someone would come with. It made me feel more content, more confident.

I hate that. I hate that for so long I did not see how beautiful it is to be content in my solitude. I hate that I felt worthless without somebody by my side at all times. I am the same person with or without people at my door.

“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person – without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.”

If tomorrow the world decided to stop turning. All you knew was gone. And all you are left with is you, your creations, and your being; would you be okay? Would you be filled with love because you have been filling your own soul already or would you be empty because you give all of your love away and never get enough in return?

All I wish in life is to be full in my own worth. Be bathing in self care. And glowing with self love. I want to be able to wake up and watch the sunrise alone and be okay with it. I want to go see a movie and buy myself a large blue raspberry icee just for me. I want to go to my favorite restaurant, say “just one please,” and eat tacos while reading my favorite book.

Because even though I will be doing all things alone, I will never be lonely. As long as I fill my own soul.

xoxo

Sky

A Letter to The Heartbroken, You Won’t Be For Long

One day I may just be a memory in your brain. One day you might be in Australia during summer and I will still be in Chicago in the winter. It will be the same day, with different light, with different time, with different people. One day I will not only not be in love with you anymore but I may not even love you anymore. One day your face will be unrecognizable to me but I will know it is you because I will remember how your eyes squint when you smile. One day we may cross paths again, and we might not notice each other. Or we will notice and we will say hi like we never laid in the same bed or cried in each other’s arms. We will say hi like we just went to the same high school and saw each other in the hallways and kept on walking.

One day you will just be a memory in my brain. One day I will forget I held onto you too tight because I felt like my life would stop if I just let you go. I forgot how freeing it is to let things go. One day after you were gone, I was able to start giving my love to myself. One day I will be okay with the feeling of loneliness, because I am never really alone. I will keep healing even though it is a long process. I will not give up on filling the the pieces that you may have taken with you. Because one day I will fall just as in love with a new small boy. Just as fast as my heart broke, it will be put together again and it will start glowing.

Yes I am heartbroken. As I will be many times in my life. So why dwell on the pain that heartbreaks make. When I can give it a warm hug and say thank you. For now I know what my heart needs. And right now, all it needs is me.

xoxo

Sky

Look Up

I’ve learned that saying I am ugly everyday more than once will never let me soak in my self-love. I’ve learned that getting out of bed is the most important goal one should have each day. I’ve learned to love others even when they do not love me as much back, because I may be their light in life. I’ve learned to dance wherever and whenever I possibly can. I’ve learned to let things and people go. But I’ve also learned how to let people in. I’ve learned to look up when walking, so I never miss what is going on around me. I’ve learned that I don’t deserve the pain that I think I do. I’ve learned that music can cure any wound, if you let it. So can asking for help. I’ve learned how to be friends with my loneliness. I always have myself. I’ve learned to let go of the past and to stop worrying about the future. I’ve learned to eat, even when I do not want to. I’ve learned to lose the scale and find strength. I’ve learned that time is relative, let life move you. I’ve learned to be okay with people not liking me, all I need is for me to like me. I’ve learned that you can love someone but not like them. And you can love someone without being in love with that same person. I’ve learned that everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it is not the end. I’ve learned how to find inner peace. I’ve learned how important it is to hug people. Hug people. Everyday. I’ve learned that just because they don’t believe in me, doesn’t mean I can’t believe in myself. I’ve learned to always say thank you. Appreciate all that is given to you. I’ve learned that some things are not worth crying over, but you still can cry anyway. I’ve learned to let every person you meet make an impact on your life, for one day you will have a memory of them and will miss hearing their voice. I’ve learned that as long as I am alive, I have something to be happy about. And I’ve learned that I have to relearn every lesson each day until it becomes routine in both my mind and body.

xoxo

Sky

I Will Not Give Up

It was only two years ago that I did not believe I would be living to that night. It was only a year ago that I did not think I would be graduating high school. It was only months ago that I thought about ending up in college. And now I am in my second month of living out of my home, going every week to my classes, and the longest time I have gone without self-harming. Never did I think these days would come.

Yet, here I am. Alive and living, not just surviving.

I never made this blog with the intention that many people think I have. I did not make it for people to give me sympathy for my struggles. That is the last thing I need. I did not make it to try to prove to people that I am strong and I know how to live life “right.” Because believe me, I have no idea what I am doing most days of the week. All I know is what helped me in the times of my darkness. And that is what I try to do for others, be their glimpse of light.

When I meet with those who suffer, one of the things I often say is that if I have enough strength to live, so do they. And it is so true. Before my life hit the floor, I never once thought I was strong. I never once thought that I would be able to handle the hard things that life throws at me. I was so wrong.

We doubt ourselves more than we will admit. Do you realize how many days you have gone through? How many hours of suffering you have lived in? Yet you are still alive.

Sometimes I cry at just the thought of how far I have come. How strong I really am. And for once in my life I will admit that I AM proud of myself. It still completely blows my mind that I am in college right now. Not only that, but I made friends, I go to class, and I am living with no pain of self-harm. I have gotten through my hard days, days of not wanting to get out of bed or days I spent sobbing. I did it.

So can you. Even if you are not at this point yet, you will be. One day whether it be tomorrow or in two years, you will finally feel strength. You will know how it truly feels to be free. It takes time and there is no rush. We all move in paces we can handle. It took me years to feel some release of all the darkness that was over my eyes. And slowly it lifted, just as it will for you. There will be many days where you will feel that it is not worth pushing through. Where you will say screw it and will want to just give up. Do not give up now. I gave up so many times before I got here, but then I tried again. And each step I made, made all the difference.

It will not be easy. I won’t lie to you. But it will be worth it. Because I have seen so many more days of beauty and light. I have met so many wonderful faces. And I can now say that I can fight. I know my strength. And I know my worth. And the next time I feel like my weakness will overcome, I will go back and read this moment. For when and if my bed or my razors are calling my name, I will blast my music and dance instead.

xoxo

Sky

You Can Save Your Life (If You Choose)

Since I can remember I have always said, that if I could, I would take all the pain away from all people and give it to myself. I say that I know that I can handle it, as some others may not be able to. I want to help. I always want to fix everyone’s problems and wish for all people to just live in peace. But there is only so much I can do.

For a long time, I thought that maybe if I just keep trying and trying to fix people, it will work. If I take on their pain and make theirs go away, everything will work out. That is until I realized that many people do not want help. Even if they take it, it does not mean that you are truly helping them, they may be just leaning on you.

Being a giver comes with many joys, but also many sorrows. The truth is, you cannot help those who cannot help themselves first.

Learning from my struggles with mental health and talking to millions of people through this blog has taught me many things. The biggest lesson is that some people you just cannot help. And each time, I realize this it breaks my heart over and over again.

You see, the only way a person will live in peace is when they find peace within themselves. And the only way that a person can truly get help is by opening themselves up to the fact that help is needed, not just wanted. There is only so much one person can handle. And if you keep on giving your love, help, support, to others, you will become empty.

In mental health, you can do everything in your power to try and help someone struggling. You can talk them out of bad moments. You can be by their side at all times. But if they are not going to therapy, not taking their medications, or just not understanding the fact that they need more, then nothing will ever change.

If I never went to my mom and told her about my actions and thoughts, I would not be here today. If I did not go to therapy each week, I could be in bed for days. If I stopped taking my medicine then I would be suffering.

I know it is scary. I know it is hard. But you are the only person that can change your life for the better. You are the only person who decides whether or not they want to fight their disorders. And you may not think you have enough strength, but believe me you are stronger than what your mind says.

So please if you are reading thing right now, go get some help. Please live another day, you will never regret it. You are worth the attention. You are worth the love. And you can be another story that saves someone else’s life. You are not another name suicide will add to it’s list. Getting help is the most powerful thing you can do. And I am proud of you.

xoxo

Sky

Get help

I do get hungry for times when I am fed by the sun hitting my eyes. Then sometimes the hunger turns into starvation and my soul lacks life. It gets stuck and I begin to see no sun, no light. My nutrients for life lacks, suffers. As I wilt away into a star that is starting to die out. That is when I know my skin and my mind hurt. When just oxygen doesn’t keep me alive anymore.

I need more.
I need help.

So I tell the mother of my life, “baby we will figure this out.” She squeezes me tight. The next day I tell my therapist, “hospitalization.” I hear the words flow out of her mouth like an endless river that keeps ebbing forever.

That night I sink into the arms of my bed hoping it will hug me back. When I look at the sky from my bed side window. Then a star stares right at me. The brightest star in that night sky.

One day I will be like that again. Shining, glowing with radiant happiness. But first I must gain help. I must go back to the place that made me feel myself again.

Depression and anxiety come in waves. One day is the earth, moon, and sky. The next is dirt, mold, and worms. And when a day turns into a month, it is time. Time to get help. Get what you need. It is okay. It is something more people need to do. Life is rough, but you do not need to struggle alone.

So that is what I am doing. Going back. To get people to help me find my strength in myself. I have lost it, but just for a moment. I will be back as strong as ever, very soon. I can feel it.