It is both a curse and a blessing to believe there is good in all people. It is both a blessing and a curse to be such a lover. You hold on to those who treat you badly just because of the tiny piece of love they hand you. Most days of my life I do not even realize I think this way. Until the day my heartbreaks and I wish that I did not give all of my love to someone that tears me down.

After 19 years some may think I would have learned my lesson. Well I have not. Each day I live, I am still meeting new friends, new loves, and thinking this time will be the time I will not get hurt. This time I will be right in what I believe is to be true about this person. But no. I still let people walk on me until they are the one that chooses to leave. I always thought of this as one of the saddest stories I tell. The fact that I never feel like I am the one getting the love. Until now. Now I see how beautiful this story is.

I am a very sensitive soul, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and all I wish in life is to love and be loved. Each time I am sitting with tears in my eyes, I am told that life is a game. That you have to “play hard to get” in order to be wanted. I have always despised being told that because never in my life will I change my heart for one to love me. But never did it occur to me why I thought this way.

Sitting here now, I realize just the reasons why I will not give up on loving people the way I wish to. That is because I always knew in my heart, the right people would want me just the way I am. They would see that heart on my sleeve and care for it. I will keep loving the way I wish because my lover is out there craving to feel loved the way I love the wrong people. And the “wrong” ones I have given my whole heart to, maybe were not so wrong after all. I believe that there was something in them that needed my love the most at that moment, even if it was not reciprocated.

I will never regret the love I have given to the wrong ones.

This is for all of you who are told you are too sensitive. Who are told to minimize your emotions so others will treat you the way you wish. This is for the lovers that hurt more and more everyday. One day all of the love you have given will find it’s way back to you. It may be tomorrow, in ten years, or maybe it is happening right at this very moment. But never let the world make you hard. Do not let it take away that gift of love that so many people in this world need in their lives. And soon the right people will see that love is not such a scary word.

After all, “The more you love, the more you suffer.” I am telling you right now, the suffering is so worth it.

xoxo

Sky

It is not until we cannot live our lives anymore, do we wish for life to happen.

Our world is paused right now. Our lives are solely based on surviving rather than living.

For most people, this time in our lives is scary and overwhelming. There is so much we wanted to do. We miss the ones we love. We wish life could go back to normal. Our world stopped in a blink of an eye and now people wish they could live. I believe everything happens for a reason and it took me a while to figure out why things like this have to happen. Now I know.

I want you to remember these moments the next time life starts again. In this time I hope you can see how precious life is. For each moment can change in less than a second.

So instead of soaking in the sadness of what could have been or what is, use this time to feel each emotion. Learn something you have always wanted to learn. Play the guitar. Or piano. Write music. Workout. Dance with your mom. Pull an all nighter so you can watch the sunset and sunrise in one period of time. Watch the notebook and sob. Get rid of clothes you never wear. Paint. Meditate. Stare out your window and write down every single thing you see. Play wii with your brother. Learn how to bake your favorite cookies. Read a book. Write a book. Pierce your ears. Make a new playlist every single day. Vlog everyday you are stuck in your house. Play the board game that has been sitting on your shelf for years. Talk to your family. Really ask them how they are. Take pictures. You will want to remember these days one day. Facetime your friends. Think about who you wish you were with. Learn who really loves you back. Tell the person you are in love with that you love them. Start a new show on Netflix and tell your best friend to watch it too. Write a list of who makes you feel like sunshine and let them know they are on it. Take a bath.

I hope in this time you see how special life is. So when life does start again, you can live it the way you wish you were this whole time. I do not believe people really see how change can happen in just a moment. This is a time in which we can change how our world looks. Make it a place that is beautiful for you. And remember this when you take life for granted. The time is now.

I wish you all healing, health, and love.

xoxo

Sky

When on the topic of society, I often speak about how wonderful it is to be in a generation that is so open. And I am so beyond thankful that today, we are able to speak about mental health in a way in which we can help other people.

On the other hand, I cannot stop thinking about how messed up my generation and we as a society are. I have written a blog already on how how social media affects all of us. And I touched on how phrases like, “kms” are affecting people who have mental illnesses. But now growing up and being in what people say is “real life,”. I have realized more and more of mental health taboos being a go-to joke to say and mental health medications being abused in selfish manors.

If you know me, you know that I tend to be a very open-minded person. I am not a very judgmental person and I really am not stuck up in any sense. But if there was one thing I get worked-up about, it would be how mental health is labeled in society.

I have all platforms of social media and one trend that seems to be the most popular at the moment is every person having a mental breakdown. Not only do they say they have one, but they go on saying that they dye their hair, get a tattoo, or get a piercing to cope. The definition of a mental breakdown, “is a mental health crisis rather than a diagnosable condition. This crisis will leave you unable to function normally, to go to work or school, to take care of children, or to do any of your usual activities.” As you can see, if you are having a real mental breakdown there is no way you can dye your hair if you cannot even function. But people, especially teens, are using this phrase in a very loose way making it seem as though having “mental breakdowns” is normal to all people. If one is genuinely having a mental breakdown they need to immediately go to a hospital and be treated. No one who is actually struggling with mental health, would be able to post a video of them having a mental breakdown. It is not trendy, it is a real issue.

Next, mental health medications. Being in college and living on campus, you generally see how 18-22 year olds act on a daily bases. The amount of times that I have seen or heard people talk about using anti-psych, anti-anxiety, or anti-depressant medications for recreational use kills me. This is what I see when I witness this happening; I see the drug-dealer being too careless or selfish to understand that their parents are lucky enough to afford medications, yet they choose to not take them. If you are lucky enough to be able to get help and be put on medication for your diagnoses, do not pass that up. There are so many people in this world struggling to live everyday but do not have the funds to get the medicine they need. Those type of people are the reason that each time I run out of one of my medications, I have to go through a whole process to be able to just simply get out of bed in the mornings.

I know it seems as though none of this is a big deal. That I am just overreacting or fighting a battle that is not mine to fight. But before you say anything, think about if you were a student sitting in class the week after your uncle just committed suicide. The person next to you keeps saying that they are going to kill themselves if they do bad on the test. Or you have been in bed for a week now, not being able to do anything but cry and you see an Instagram post from a classmate who just dyed their hair because of a “mental breakdown.”

Try putting yourself in other people’s shoes before you speak or act, Words hurt. Actions hurt. But they do not always have to. Be yourself, not a trend.

Xoxo

Sky

I remember the moment I decided I did not want to live anymore. I was sitting on the floor in the hallway of my upstairs. I had been in what I slept in all day. My family was planning on going to see a movie so I went upstairs to change into something I can go out in. I ended up sobbing into my hands while laying on the floor instead.

It is hard to believe that, that was my life two years ago today. That within moments I could have not been here, two years later. Oh how happy I am to be here.

This blog is dedicated to you, the one who is reading this right now. You are alive. And I am sure you have had many bad days, moments. But I am also sure, that you are alive because you have had many amazing, heart warming moments, too. And if you have struggled with suicide or you are struggling right now at this moment. Look at you, you above all things in life are alive. Right now you are living.

After that day two years ago, I told myself I would start living each day as if it was my last. And although there have been so many days of pain, I have conquered them. And I have lived each day just as I wished. Whether it was saying “screw it, I am going to get out of bed.” Or ‘‘I am going to kayak through caves in the middle of the ocean in California.” No matter what I choose to do that day, I did it because that is what I wanted to do. I did it for myself.

Life is so strange, so beautiful, and so confusing. But one thing I am sure of, is that we are each living for a reason. Each one of us was put on this insane earth to do, to say, to be something. If I left this earth that day, this blog would have never even started. I would have never written a book or gone to college. I would have never fallen in love or gotten my heart broken. I would have never gotten to see my new baby cousin be born or send my best friend off to live her life across the country.

In this life, my time will come, when it comes. But I will not be choosing my fate that is to come. Because this life is mad and crazy but if I believe in one thing, it is that life happens whether you want it to or not. Imagine how lovely it will be when the darkness leaves, because believe me, one day it will. And you will be sitting in Starbucks two years later, thinking about all you have overcome, and you will sit smiling. Sunshine shining on you. I am proud of you for just simply living this long, keep pushing.

Xoxo

Sky

I remember the moment I decided I was not going to live anymore. I was sitting on the floor in the hallway of my upstairs. I had been in what I slept in all day. My family was planning on going to see a movie so I went upstairs to change into something I can go out in. I ended up sobbing into my hands while laying on the floor instead.

It is hard to believe that, that was my life two years ago today. That within moments I could have not been here, two years later. Oh how happy I am to be here.

This blog is dedicated to you, the one who is reading this right now. You are alive. And I am sure you have had many bad days, moments. But I am also sure, that you are alive because you have had many amazing, heart warming moments, too. And if you have struggled with suicide or you are struggling right now at this moment. Look at you, you above all things in life are alive. Right now you are living.

After that day two years ago, I told myself I would start living each day as if it was my last. And although there have been so many days of pain, I have conquered them. And I have lived each day just as I wished. Whether it was saying “screw it, I am going to get out of bed.” Or ‘‘I am going to kayak through caves in the middle of the ocean in California.” No matter what I choose to do that day, I did it because that is what I wanted to do. I did it for myself.

Life is so strange, so beautiful, and so confusing. But one thing I am sure of, is that we are each living for a reason. Each one of us was put on this insane earth to do, to say, to be something. If I left this earth that day, this blog would have never even started. I would have never written a book or gone to college. I would have never fallen in love or gotten my heart broken. I would have never gotten to see my new baby cousin be born or send my best friend off to live her life across the country.

In this life, my time will come, when it comes. But I will not be choosing my fate that is to come. Because this life is mad and crazy but if I believe in one thing, it is that life happens whether you want it to or not. Imagine how lovely it will be when the darkness leaves, because believe me, one day it will. And you will be sitting in Starbucks two years later, thinking about all you have overcome, and you will sit smiling. Sunshine shining on you. I am proud of you for just simply living this long, keep pushing.

Xoxo

Sky

“You are not stupid, just human. You are very human. It is cool. It is cool to be human, everyone else tries to be perfect and perfect is not human. Emotion and vulnerability and mistakes and the good and bad are human. I think you haven’t been around the right people that’s all. We haven’t even started our second semester of our first year of college, there’s a lot of people you’ll meet who will accept you as you are with no expectations. And you will find more people like me who appreciate you for the person you are now, not the person you could be or will be after therapy or help blah blah blah, we all love you for who you are now today. So just keep being unforgivingly human and understand that part of that is awfully sad things and some of that is beauty.”

I have believed for most of my life thus far, that I am hard to love. Quite simply because I have flaws. And it is very obvious in all minds that these flaws that I contain are not minor, yet it is even more obvious that I do not try to hide any of my flaws.

I have believed for most of my life that if I just stopped living my truth completely, and became someone who often showed only perfection, than less people would leave me. I would not be so hard to love. You see, I often fall into habits. The moment I feel like life is too hard. That I am not worthy of love. I begin to think that it is because I have too many flaws and I am not perfect like other girls. How untrue that is.

My mind contradicts my words every single day. I am constantly saying how wonderful it feels to be wholely and completely human. Because that is exactly what and who I am. And never will I ever try to hide this about myself. Because I am not perfect, and no real, authentic person is. But that does not mean I deserve any less love. And finally being around people who make me feel that I am easy to love, has showed me how wonderful it is to be me.

So I would like this blog to be for the utterly human. I love you. The man who sent me that first paragraph as I was sitting sobbing in my car. I love you. For those who have only been surrounded by people who do not have the soul capacity to see all of your beauty. I love you. And one day, maybe tomorrow or in five years, you will be soaking in all of the human that makes up you. You are a precious stone only some should ever hold. So remember this as you cry for not feeling loved the way you wish to be. For the day has not come yet where you have met people who make you feel like sunshine by just thinking of them. It will happen. But all things beautiful take time. Breathe.

Xoxo

Sky

I started this decade out as a 9 year old catholic school girl. I am now ending it as an 18 going on 19 year old art student. As time has no choice but to keep going, we have no choice but to follow along. So as long as I am here while a new year rings in once again, I will do nothing but keep moving, just as time does.

I never thought I would make it to age 16. I am now 18. And as soon as tomorrow comes I will realize that I soon will be 19. I never thought tomorrow would come, yet it did. I never thought childhood would end, yet it went. I never thought I would get to say I survived, but here I am typing this blog. Life works in mysterious ways which is the reason life seems so scary at times. It is unbearable yet brings contentment. It is fascinating and sometimes I wish to be naive. It is heartbreaking, selfish, and hard. But then it is the thing that puts my heart back together, keeps giving and giving, and softens the falls of each day.

In 2020 I do not wish to be a “new me.” I wish to be the me that I am. The me that wants forever to grow and change. I want the me that is fully human. That feels everything, even the snowflakes as they fall from the sky. To say “new year, new me” would just be a lie. You see this year I wish to get out of bed every day. I wish to not have any hatred in my heart. I wish to forgive. But not forget because people may hurt you more than once. I wish to be more thankful. I wish to live through gratitude. I wish to be able to say, “I do not ask for much.” I wish to live simply. I wish to love myself wholely. I wish to say thank you to my parents more often. And I love you. I wish to say more hi’s than goodbye’s. I wish to try to always say yes except when a man tries to belittle me. I wish to be truly content. Yes I would wish to be more happy but happy is so often confused with this overcoming feeling of joy, that I know will not always be how I feel. So I wish to feel okay with all of my feelings. Because I know there will be days of self-doubt and suffering. Days filled with sadness and clouds. But there will also be days filled with gratitude and love. Days where I feel the warmth of the sun the entire day. And that, that is what I wish for. For life to be all too much and all too little because I wish to live and not just survive.

2020. I walk into you heart full, hands open, the universe within my eyes. My armor is on like the warrior I am and my worries are in the back of my mind. I welcome you into the world because I now welcome all of the change and challenges that come with you. New year, more days.

Always with love,

Xoxo

Sky