Get help

I do get hungry for times when I am fed by the sun hitting my eyes. Then sometimes the hunger turns into starvation and my soul lacks life. It gets stuck and I begin to see no sun, no light. My nutrients for life lacks, suffers. As I wilt away into a star that is starting to die out. That is when I know my skin and my mind hurt. When just oxygen doesn’t keep me alive anymore.

I need more.
I need help.

So I tell the mother of my life, “baby we will figure this out.” She squeezes me tight. The next day I tell my therapist, “hospitalization.” I hear the words flow out of her mouth like an endless river that keeps ebbing forever.

That night I sink into the arms of my bed hoping it will hug me back. When I look at the sky from my bed side window. Then a star stares right at me. The brightest star in that night sky.

One day I will be like that again. Shining, glowing with radiant happiness. But first I must gain help. I must go back to the place that made me feel myself again.

Depression and anxiety come in waves. One day is the earth, moon, and sky. The next is dirt, mold, and worms. And when a day turns into a month, it is time. Time to get help. Get what you need. It is okay. It is something more people need to do. Life is rough, but you do not need to struggle alone.

So that is what I am doing. Going back. To get people to help me find my strength in myself. I have lost it, but just for a moment. I will be back as strong as ever, very soon. I can feel it.

Stay A While #suicideprevention

I am alive.
I say today.
As I think about surviving.
One year.
I choose to live.
One day.
To one year later.

Last year, January 15th, I made a promise to myself. To get help. And to live. January 15th, the day I choose to live.

I cannot believe that it has been one whole year later. Of me going through life. I never thought I would be here.  But I took a breath. I decided to see more sunrises, sunsets. To hear more birds sing. To smell more gardens. To taste more snowflakes.

This was the year that I needed in my life.  A year that made me who I am today. Through the lows, I found my highs. I found the people that made me feel like sunlight. I found life. I found courage. And I found pure happiness. The kind that makes me shed tears of joy. I now smell roses at all times and feel velvet covering my scars. I am here. And I am taking my coat off and staying a while.

You can survive. Not only that but you can live while doing so. Keep hope. Stay that one extra moment. You will not know the difference it will make. Breathe for a while longer. Stay, I know you can.



Keep Your Spirit

I was once told I was broken
Like a glass that shatters
when it lands after flying
through the air

I was once told I was heavy
they said they could handle but the handle broke and there I was again
falling holding the handle
that they once had

I was once told I was weak
like an old sick cat
that can only crawl a few steps before
laying down to break

Little did I know how perfectly fit together each of my pieces were
how feather-like my life would be
how each muscle was engaged in my body so I can lift up anything
any being

my loves
listen not
to those whom drag your limbs around
the person who knows

fight back
take back
your being
keep your spirit.



I Haven’t Cried Today

I haven’t cried today.

I haven’t bled.

I haven’t dwelled in darkness.

I saw a bird.

I saw the sun.

I saw a smiling face.

Tomorrow it will all happen again.

I will wake up and know that all is right.  All is true.  The littlest things are our most precious treasures.

I used to think needing more in life was going to make me happy.  But that’s just not it. Not it at all.

You see all you need is yourself.  You need to see the happiness that surrounds you with your own eyes. You don’t need luxury.  You don’t need anything but your hands, eyes, mouth, ears, feet.  So you can feel each lover that surrounds you.  So you can see the sky and birds flying high.  So you can taste the warmth of the sun on you tongue.  Hear the laughter of life that surrounds you.  Sink your toes in the ground, the dirt.

You can be still. And be happy.  Find yourself.  Find your happiness. It’s the little things.



The Rising of Me (and You)

I don’t believe my journey of life really started until I was fourteen.  Of course I still was living from ages 0 to 13 but they were more of passing periods.  Two minutes of running into people, getting lost, and dropping books.

The summer of fourteen.  Week after week of pushing myself to do things I did not want to.  Going out with those who had no intention of keeping me.  Wearing clothes that made me feel like I was part of a show.  Acting as if I was someone else.  Clothing that was made for someone unlike me.  At fourteen I was uncomfortable in my own skin. At fourteen I was as fake as a barbie doll. Balancing only on my tip toes. 

Fourteen.  An age in which I felt I started believing I was a sad story.
At fourteen I starting the process of becoming a woman.  At fourteen I conformed into someone I was not.  At fourteen I began to believe my high school life would be surrounded by a group of best friends, boys, and adventures.  At fourteen I hung out with people who belittled me into becoming less of myself and becoming more like them.  At fourteen I began seeing my body as a lump that no one would ever want.  Then at fourteen I was diagnosed with chronic social anxiety and depression.  At fourteen I thought that me being nervous was just a normal way of living.

The summer of fifteen. Week after week of telling people I was sick, I was busy, I was with my family. I did not want to party. I was too scared. The children there were so big. Everyone is loud. I don’t even know these people and the drinks taste like poison on my tongue.  I did not want to hangout with people every single day of my life. At fifteen I felt all was too much. At fifteen I started losing balance. Balancing on one foot.

Fifteen.  That’s it, I am a sad story. At fifteen the friends I thought would stay with me for a lifetime decided they did not want me, as if I was their toy. A toy in which they kept around but decided to throw out when they were finished. At fifteen they told everyone around them to not speak to me. They told lies about me so it looked like I was just another part of the hatred in the world. At fifteen everyone I had talked to, went away. At fifteen no one knew me as I was. At fifteen my anxiety got higher and higher. At fifteen I became that kid in class that wouldn’t speak, that wouldn’t want to sit in front. At fifteen I was the kid that people called, “weird” “loser” “emo.” At fifteen I could not bare to talk to more than two people in school. I stayed in my bubble until I felt as though everything was too much. At fifteen I decided I did not have anxiety.  No. I told myself I was fine.

The summer of sixteen. Week after week I only stayed with my family. I did not want to see anyone. I did not want to go out near my house. I wanted to go far away. At sixteen I got so nervous to just sit outside, nervous to go on a walk. At sixteen I started losing the light. No balance to be found.

Sixteen.  I am not just a sad story, I am a bad dream. At sixteen I began withering away. At sixteen I lost my aunt. At sixteen I lost my grandpa. At sixteen I lost one who I call cousin at only seven years old. I was lonely, sad. At sixteen I could not understand why I did not feel loved. At sixteen I doubted life. Why did people die when so many loved them? Why did I live, rather than one of them? I could not take it. At sixteen me, myself felt as though I was guilty. At sixteen I could not get out of bed. At sixteen I found that pain takes the numbness away. At sixteen I was put into a partial hospitalization program.

Seventeen.  I am no sad story or bad dream. At seventeen I was discharged from the hospital. At seventeen I asked, “What’s next?” At seventeen I decided I was going to rise. I decided that as before my rising was not to an eternal life but of living on this earth. A rising in which only I can overcome with. At seventeen I realized the love that surrounded me. The hands and arms of my parents were there. At seventeen I found that I needed to start loving more. Loving of myself more. At seventeen the darkness started fading. The balance regaining.

I have gained beauty. It seeps through my veins, through my bloodstream. It slides into my bed each night and rises each morning. It is covered in lavender oil and sunflowers. The sun shining through my pores making each day become a new. Shining the light so others feel and see it too. I am no sad story. I am a story of love, I am a story of power. I am a story of light and strength. My journey has just begun. I will now not ever let it go. I will continue to rise just as sunflowers do to the sky.

-The Rising

Rise with me.



Beautiful Mistakes

I was sent to a hospitalization program because I was needing perfection.  I was not perfect.  I didn’t think I was pretty.  I didn’t think I was kind.  I don’t look like the girls in magazines or the girls on T.V. My high school experience was not like an episode of That 70s Show. My life is not a romantic comedy.  It is a drama.  Filled with ups and downs.  Scenes that were not expected.  I did not plan on me being the opposite of perfection.  You can’t plan on how life goes. But what I didn’t know was that I never needed to be perfect.  I do not ever want to be different from who I am.  Perfection is a lie that is only true when people are faking it.

I made myself hate myself.  Burden myself with the imperfections of life.  Of me.  The pimples on my face.  The grades that I didn’t have.  The times I get sad or mad.  The rolls I have.  Hating myself for eating a cheeseburger from Mcdonalds.  Hating myself for not helping my grandpa enough when he was sick.

The thing is, I cannot change my life.  I am a hormonal teenage girl, I will break out.  Get over it.  Just because geometry makes no sense to me does not mean I can’t be the president one day.  NO ONE can be happy every single day and every single moment.  It is healthy to be sad sometimes.  It is healthy to be mad sometimes.  It is okay.  I am not sorry for the rolls on my body or how much I eat or don’t eat.  In the end I AM beautiful, even if I still struggle to see it. I am no doctor.  I could not cure the cancer my grandpa had.  I did what I could do and that was sit and spend time with him.

Life is unpredictable.  You cannot expect all things in life.  Perfection is impossible.  Do not self-loath because you do not think you are no enough. For you completely are.  Be imperfect.  Make mistakes.  Learn.  Live.  Life changes in seconds.  You cannot control everything.



To Be Influenced

Me being the crazy person I am, I know the trends of today like the back of my hand.  The trending hashtags.  The trendy words or phrases to say.  The trendy ways to act.  The trendy people.  We are all surrounded by them 24/7 on social media.  My question is always, am I being myself or am I acting the way people want me to be?

The truth is, I tend to act a certain way when I feel far from who I am.  In life today, we are connected to so many different people.  Whether we follow famous celebrities, YouTubers, or friends, we are impacted by each and every one of them. Growing up I never thought that I would turn into or act as someone I am not.  I have always been pretty set in my ways and in who I am, so I figured no one can change that.  But lately I have noticed that I get influenced by people every single day.

Being influenced by people can be such an amazing thing, like if you get inspired by someone.  But if you end up wanting to act like them or turn into them, then that is where influence turns bad.

Many influencers of my generation today are not true influencers.  For example, the Kardashians/Jenners.  The amount of children that look up to people like them is sad.

I have always looked up to singers like Stevie Nicks and Janis Joplin.  Wanting to dress the same or act the same.  But when I really think about it, do I really want to act the same as someone who died so young from drugs?  Not really.  Do I love them? Yes.  But I do not have to be the same as them.

You do not have to change yourself because you feel that someone you adore is who you want to be.  You are you.  There is no possible way to change that.  So next time you see an Instagram Kendal Jenner posted of her modeling and think to yourself, “I am gonna lose weight so I can look like her.”  STOP.  Look at yourself in the mirror.  And pose how you would pose.  You are the only person that is you in the world.  And I am sure there are people who would wish to be you because you are just as unique as each face on this earth.