Token Mentally Ill B*tch
I am very lucky that, from a young age, I knew who I was. I have always been very much myself. I believe there are two roles in my life that shaped me into the girl I became: Being the oldest girl in my family and being a competitive dancer starting at the age of…
The State I’m In
People have always told me that I am an eighty-year-old woman stuck in a young girl’s body. I had my life planned out. I was never a person who didn’t know what my life looked like. I knew the niche categories my love fell into and knew the depths of my heart early in life. I even…
Years of Being Misdiagnosed
There was a lot that changed in my life when I was first diagnosed with anything. The first time I was diagnosed was my first hospitalization. That was the first time I was medicated for anything, too. I was only SIXteen. I was told I had social anxiety, OCD, and major depressive disorder. I was…
Your Only Perspective Is Your Own, Until You Change It
My morning ritual involves sweat, pills, and a shower. Most days, I try to get in the shower as soon as I wake up in a puddle of my own sweat. It is hard to understand what you are feeling when your label lists so many side effects that doctors need help from more doctors…
For My Friends That Didn’t Make It, Happy Birthday
“As the humanitarian of the zodiac, Aquarians are committed to creating a large-scale impact from the ground up, which means these revolutionaries are all about macro change. They aspire to move radically through social progress, so if they seem disinterested, it’s likely because the issue at hand isn’t community-focused. Shifting the conversation from “me” to…
Ode To Teen Girls
It feels like just yesterday I was sitting in the passenger seat of my mom’s car saying, “I want to find a boy like Morrissey one day.” And her reply being, “Sky, you know he’s gay, right?” I didn’t. And honestly I am pretty sure he calls himself “human-sexual” now, so gay might not be…
I Don’t Fit In A Box
Before I created this blog and titled it, I wanted my first clothing line to be called “Unlabeled.” I decided that at about age thirteen. That just so happens to also be the age I started getting really into tumblr and the more artistic side of social media. At that time, I just thought it…
Relationships When You Have A Mental Illness
One of my favorite bands has always been The Beatles. From my mom making my brother and me sing the harmonies of “Hey Jude”, to the love of them bringing me and my boyfriend together, they have always had my heart. On top of that, their lyrics inspire me to write every single day. Some…
I Am Not Sick, In A Sick World
Every day my inner monologue questions what my thoughts are telling me. As I grow older and live longer with this disorder in my brain, I have learned to rethink every thought that comes to mind. “Is this reality? Or is my disorder telling me I suck?,” is usually what I have to take a…
Finding A Purpose, The 20 Year Old’s Fear
Being 20 is like being a child again. Somehow after twenty years on this Earth, it feels like you have to relearn life. Relearn how to live as an adult. Relearn what family means, what home means. You have to relearn your safety, and who the real monsters are. You have to relearn how to…
The Next Time I Am Not Seen
If we lived in a world where mental illnesses weren’t feared, the prison system would diminish. The next time I see a man tied down by twelve police officers for schizophrenia, will be the time I sit with him and call a psychiatrist. For police officers are no doctors although they believe so. The next…
This Is My Life, I Choose To Live It
I was born on February 9th, 2001. Twenty years later, this is me. I am made up of all the bad, the good, the beautiful, the ugly, the crazy, and the sane moments in my life. And only now, at 20 years old, can I say I am proud of the woman I am today.…
For My Friends, You Saved My Life
I have written this blog every year, on this day, the day that I decided to live. And each year my goal has been to let all of my readers know that suicide is not the answer. I mean if I did not make it past sixteen, I would have missed out on the most…
New Year, Same BS, Stronger Me
There were many things I learned within the past year. Like how gross cleaning up dog puke is. I learned certain actions that trigger my episodes. I learned how to let go, and how to let in. I learned how gross we were before a pandemic hit. (Bowling???? All of our fingers in the same…
How I Have Been Feeling
If there was one word to describe how I have been feeling lately, it would be drained. To be honest, I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling sick. I am sick of the meds. I am sick of the psychiatrist appointments and talking to my therapist. I am sick of feeling numb…
A Takeover With Charles Fox
I was diagnosed with bi-polar in 2017, I can’t remember which type of bi-polar because I didn’t think that was important. As I read the definitions from Google now, I could see myself belonging in 1 then but 2 now. I think that’s a major point, because I could interpret that there is no difference…
Be Kind to You
Life scares me. More than I would like to admit. I never really notice how scared I am, until life hits me. When it’s too late to tell someone I love them one more time. When sickness overcomes health. When sadness turns into suicide. When protests turn into wars. Life changes within seconds, and all…
What Mood Swings REALLY Look Like…
I often say I am an “open book.” Whether it be me being the loudest in the room or me sharing my struggles in life on social media, I have always been a very real person. But the one thing that I feel I could be a million times more real on is, what mood…
Do Better. (#BLM)
From day 1, I was taught to always be kind. I was taught to stick up for children that were being bullied on the playground. Never have I lost the belief that when people are being mistreated, I will make sure to help in anyway I can. But I was not the only child taught…
Trying to “Just Be”
I never believed in “bettering” yourself in this time of being quarantined. I knew from the start that being isolated from people I love and places I love, would put me in a depressed state. So each day I have been taking it one day at a time. And there are definitely days where I…
Love In The Eyes of The “Mentally Ill”
Who do most people not go to for love advice? Probably a nineteen year old girl who is diagnosed with mental illnesses. But I do not really go by what people normally do so of course I decided to take matters into my own hands and write about love. Or the closest thing you can…
Please Do Not Kill Yourself
There are so many different ways to say one thing. You can use your eyes. You can do an action. You can put the words in a different order and you can choose a different sentance. You can not say something at all, but tell people exactly what you mean. But will they understand the…
Love Will Always Find You
It is both a curse and a blessing to believe there is good in all people. It is both a blessing and a curse to be such a lover. You hold on to those who treat you badly just because of the tiny piece of love they hand you. Most days of my life I…
Life Happens in Seconds
It is not until we cannot live our lives anymore, do we wish for life to happen. Our world is paused right now. Our lives are solely based on surviving rather than living. For most people, this time in our lives is scary and overwhelming. There is so much we wanted to do. We miss…
Stop Using Our Struggles As A Trend
When on the topic of society, I often speak about how wonderful it is to be in a generation that is so open. And I am so beyond thankful that today, we are able to speak about mental health in a way in which we can help other people. On the other hand, I cannot…
Two years later, I am still alive
I remember the moment I decided I did not want to live anymore. I was sitting on the floor in the hallway of my upstairs. I had been in what I slept in all day. My family was planning on going to see a movie so I went upstairs to change into something I can…
Human, In Full Form
“You are not stupid, just human. You are very human. It is cool. It is cool to be human, everyone else tries to be perfect and perfect is not human. Emotion and vulnerability and mistakes and the good and bad are human. I think you haven’t been around the right people that’s all. We haven’t…
In A Year’s Time
I started this decade out as a 9 year old catholic school girl. I am now ending it as an 18 going on 19 year old art student. As time has no choice but to keep going, we have no choice but to follow along. So as long as I am here while a new…
Saving My Solitude
I often get caught in the idea that being alone and being lonely is the same thing. For so long in my life I have been dependent on other people. Especially in the years that I struggled with my social anxiety, I could not even leave the house alone. But even as I strengthened my…
A Letter to The Heartbroken, You Won’t Be For Long
One day I may just be a memory in your brain. One day you might be in Australia during summer and I will still be in Chicago in the winter. It will be the same day, with different light, with different time, with different people. One day I will not only not be in love…
Look Up
I’ve learned that saying I am ugly everyday more than once will never let me soak in my self-love. I’ve learned that getting out of bed is the most important goal one should have each day. I’ve learned to love others even when they do not love me as much back, because I may be…
I Will Not Give Up
It was only two years ago that I did not believe I would be living to that night. It was only a year ago that I did not think I would be graduating high school. It was only months ago that I thought about ending up in college. And now I am in my second…
You Can Save Your Life (If You Choose)
Since I can remember I have always said, that if I could, I would take all the pain away from all people and give it to myself. I say that I know that I can handle it, as some others may not be able to. I want to help. I always want to fix everyone’s…
Get help
I do get hungry for times when I am fed by the sun hitting my eyes. Then sometimes the hunger turns into starvation and my soul lacks life. It gets stuck and I begin to see no sun, no light. My nutrients for life lacks, suffers. As I wilt away into a star that is…
Stay A While #suicideprevention
I am alive.I say today.As I think about surviving.One year.Ago.Today.I choose to live. One day.To one year later. Last year, January 15th, I made a promise to myself. To get help. And to live. January 15th, the day I choose to live. I cannot believe that it has been one whole year later. Of me…
Keep Your Spirit
I was once told I was broken Like a glass that shatters when it lands after flying through the air I was once told I was heavy they said they could handle but the handle broke and there I was again falling holding the handle that they once had I was once told I was…
I Haven’t Cried Today
I haven’t cried today. I haven’t bled. I haven’t dwelled in darkness. I saw a bird. I saw the sun. I saw a smiling face. Tomorrow it will all happen again. I will wake up and know that all is right. All is true. The littlest things are our most precious treasures. I used to…
The Rising of Me (and You)
I don’t believe my journey of life really started until I was fourteen. Of course I still was living from ages 0 to 13 but they were more of passing periods. Two minutes of running into people, getting lost, and dropping books. The summer of fourteen. Week after week of pushing myself to do things I…
Beautiful Mistakes
I was sent to a hospitalization program because I was needing perfection. I was not perfect. I didn’t think I was pretty. I didn’t think I was kind. I don’t look like the girls in magazines or the girls on T.V. My high school experience was not like an episode of That 70s Show. My…
To Be Influenced
Me being the crazy person I am, I know the trends of today like the back of my hand. The trending hashtags. The trendy words or phrases to say. The trendy ways to act. The trendy people. We are all surrounded by them 24/7 on social media. My question is always, am I being myself…
Poems of My Soul
Throughout my time in the partial hospitalization program, I wrote poetry. It was grounding. It helped me put how I feel into words. I decided that I was going to share the feelings I had then versus the feelings I have now. My poetry journal became a sea of poems that when from dark to…
I Want to Live
If you know me, you know how worried I get when people say “kms.” It is a term that is used too often that I do not think people even realize the hardness of those words put together. “Kill myself.” Me, being a seventeen year old girl growing up in this crazy society, I am…
My World Right Now
Lately I have been struggling. I have been trying so hard to not end up in the place I have been before. But one day this past week, I was almost there again. Instead of doing all of the things I have learned through my journey, I sulked. I scared myself and allowed myself to…
The World of Social Media
I remember the first time I posted an Instagram picture. It was a quote from Marilyn Monroe. “Imperfect is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” After I posted that picture I immediately wanted to post another one and another and another. But my friends told me that…
In My Head
The things I tell myself when I realize I am in a dark place: You got out of here once, you can do it again. People love you. Look at your legs, arms you have skin and bones for a reason. Love them. Love you. Put down your phone, it makes everything worse. Look up…
Path of Self-love
I tend to feel uncomfortable when I say I have a blog. “Bloggers” are usually the people who have the perfect Instagram and look like they have their life together. My friends always joke saying, “So Skyla when will you be selling tummy tea and only be taking pictures in front of white walls?” Believe…
To the Young, To the living (VBYC)
Anxiety stopped me from going and doing a lot of things growing up. One of those things was going to camp. Every summer growing up I would want to go with my friends to camp but every summer I would get too nervous. I would sit at home sad for a week every summer waiting…
Choose to Be Happy
Since I have started this blog, many people ask me questions. But the question I tend to get most often is, “How are you always so happy?” That question either shocks me or confuses me. I always answer with saying, “Believe me I am not.” It is impossible for people to be constantly happy at…
(Trigger Warning) 13 Reasons Why
I have always tried to be my most authentic self. Being real is the one thing I know I can do. Yet growing up I would never show my sadness. I just wanted to be my happy self. Through this journey I have learned so much more than I could ever imagine. Now it is…
Phases of Life
We all want to be seen as someone in high school. Whether it is the life of the party or the wallflower, we all have a certain way of living that makes us who we are. But we all go through different phases of our lives. Growing up, who I wanted to be was always…
El Condor Pasa
We as people live by time. We are surrounded by the timing of every aspect of our entire lives. So how do we not worry about the future? Or get over the past? Being not focused on time seems pretty impossible. For me, I constantly think of the future. I get nervous about events that…
A Mental Cleanse
Summer. That word always made my shoulders immediately go down and my smile go higher. This year has been the hardest year in my life so far. I have wanted a break since school began. Each school break I had, was no break at all. I always blamed it on an occurance that happened. Which…
May is Mental Health
The worst thing to do in life is hide how you feel. For years and years I have pushed my true feelings back so I can stay the happy person I always felt I was. But there was a big problem in doing this. I pushed the horrible feelings back which made them grow and…
To Trust
I have always gone by my heart instead of my mind. I think with my heart. I live through my heart. And I think I always will. But when you live through your heart, it breaks much easier. I have lost many people both through life and death. When my journey in the hospital first…
Do it Anyway
I was sitting in the car with my best friend on Saturday. Like everyday, I was crying. We were going on about the things we both have been through. The good, the bad, the beauty, and the sad. She then told me this quote: “People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If…
You Only Live Once
My go-to saying has always been “yolo.” I loved the idea of how you only live once, so live your life. But my mom would always say my version of yolo was “you only live once so be careful and don’t die.” Which honestly was true. My anxiety was such a huge aspect of my…
For the Misfits and Magnificents
I never was part of a “friend group.” If I ever called it that, I was wrong. I was always friends with different people. My best friends I have now come from many different groups of people. Yet we still are best friends. For me, I just never felt like I fit in anywhere. Every…
To Be Nice. To Be Kind.
There is a difference between being nice and being kind. I never really thought there was. So many people use these two words interchangeably when really there is one aspect we do not realize separates them. We are always told to be friends with nice people. We are always told to be nice. Being nice…
Imperfectionist
I have gotten really good at hiding my flaws. Clothes that hide my muffin top. Concealing the tiny red dots of skin that appear on my face. Dark nail polish so I look more put together. Sweaters and pants on the days I am too drained to shave. Dry shampoo, dry shampoo, do not let…
Everyday
I was sitting on the couch across from my therapist this past Wednesday. I was going on about my life and how I had only six weeks left of my Junior year of high school. I was going on about the work I have accomplished after missing a month of school. I was going on…
This Is My Voice
I never was quiet in my life. I laugh loud. I talk loud. I dress loud. A lot of what creates me is loudness. But I have never really felt heard. I always kept my opinions to myself in person. I was always a people pleaser that never wanted to hurt anyone. I may be…
A Love Song to Those Who Need to Hear It
You may hear these words everyday of your life. You may never believe them. I never did. But to whomever is reading this: You are enough. You are soft, stay that way. You are human, we all make mistakes. You were created for a reason. You are not alone, even if you feel alone. You…
An Empath’s View
Ever since I was little I have been sensitive. Not in the way that when people say something to me, it breaks me. But in the way that when I saw other people hurting, it was the worst pain I could feel. I always have felt other people’s pain and I never knew why. Sometimes…
If You Need, I will Follow Where You Lead
Many times when something is scary we run away. In a nightmare, our answer is always run. When we are being chased, we run to shelter. When we are scared of being alone, we run to someone. But when our own lives are scary, we cannot run away. Sometimes in life I wish I could…
Re-Labeling the “Fashionista”
The art of fashion was my first love. I never was a big reader. I would always just go straight for the fashion magazines/books in book stores. I am pretty sure Vogue was the first “book” I read from the front to back. The “book shelf” in my room is really filled with my magazines and…
Takeover #1: Isabel
First off, thank you for all the love on mine and Skyla’s #halfthestory posts. (If you haven’t checked them out yet, what are you doing!? @isabeltuisl & @stillskyy on instagram!!!) It was not at ALL for pity or to make you feel bad for me. So many people have reached out to me because of…
Love and Loss
Do you know that saying, “I have loved. I have lost”? Well, to me, those two things go hand in hand. Loss is one of the hardest things anyone has to go through in life. I wish that it didn’t exist, but it does. This year has been filled with the most and hardest losses…
Little Things I Have Learned
I have learned more things than I ever have this year of my life. I learned that music helps everything, you just have to find the right band. That listening to The Beatles heals my lonely times. That people come and go. That sadness comes with joy. That love comes with loss. That sometimes the people…
Living vs. Surviving
There are moments in time where I feel that breathing is a difficult task to conquer. I feel there is a haze over my eyes where I only see bad, no good. When I ask myself a million questions because I feel that my world is ending. “Why does this happen? Why don’t I have…
Vulnerability and Its Power
“It has been one of the greatest and most difficult years of my life. I learned everything is temporary. Moments. Feelings. People. Flowers. I learned love is about giving. Everything. And letting it hurt. I learned vulnerability is always the right choice because it is easy to be cold in a world that makes it…
Dear Mean Girls…
Thank you. Thank you for making me find myself. If you hadn’t forced me out of your lives, I wouldn’t be the strong person I am today. Thank you for making fun of the way I dressed, it empowered me. Thank you for never talking to me again, for I might be still stuck in…
Body Love
I have been a dancer my entire life. When I mean my entire life I literally am almost 100% certain I was dancing in my mothers’ womb. I was always dancing growing up. The amount of pictures I have of my five-year old self in sparkly costumes with my big belly hanging out of it…