Being 20 is like being a child again. Somehow after twenty years on this Earth, it feels like you have to relearn life. Relearn how to live as an adult. Relearn what family means, what home means. You have to relearn your safety, and who the real monsters are. You have to relearn how to live and it is freaking hard.
Add a pinch of mental illness on top and you will think you are actually going insane. I thought I figured most things out already. Take an extra pill if you are panicking, call mom if you don’t feel safe. But if there is anything this year has taught me, it is that I can think I know it all, but life is still life. It will never just be what it seems. It isn’t that simple.
One thing I had to let go of this year was all the things I thought I would have become by 20 years old. What kind of person I would be, what passions I would be chasing after, and what I believed my life would look like at this point. If you had asked the younger version of me, I would have said I would be in New York City. I would be on Broadway. Or be a Fashion Designer. And I would be partying, clubbing, and running around the streets of New York just like Carrie Bradshaw. (I still believe I am her in so many ways, no one can take HER away from me.) But as you may know, I am not doing any of those things. Nor do I want to be. But why do I feel so bad about myself then?
If there is one thing you will take away from a group of twenty year olds, it is that everyone is looking for their “purpose.” I hear it most days. We are all trying to understand what we are put here to do. And most people will say their field; music, film, art, dance. But I have never felt that what I do is my purpose. I love writing, but writing is not my purpose. It is the way my purpose is shown.
If I was in New York City on Broadway, I would never have time to write. I would have never met my boyfriend who has saved in me in so many ways. And I hate being in crowds of strangers, why would I ever think I would be a person to go clubbing? If any of these things came true, I would be farther away from who I am. Which to me is the reason I am alive, my purpose. So why can’t my “purpose” in life be, to be authentically me?
The times I feel most alive is when I am being vulnerable. Whether that be through my blog, through conversations, though instagram pictures. My purpose is whatever makes me feel alive on this Earth where many people just survive.
So some may say that my younger self is disappointed in who I have become. A twenty year old girl that struggles everyday, loves laying in the sun more than she does anything else, would rather watch a movie in bed than go clubbing, is in bed by 10 pm, and loves the fact that she has no issue with being herself. But if anything, my younger self would probably think, “Damn she is cool.” Just because I am no one other than myself. That is my purpose.
We tend to overthink as much as possible. It is what our brain does to us. But if we take a moment to see what brings us the most freedom, the most happiness, the most fulfillment, than we can see there is a reason for everything. And that reason is for you to live your life the best you can. Never feel bad for what you want to do or what you enjoy doing with your life. You are the one living it.