I often say I am an “open book.” Whether it be me being the loudest in the room or me sharing my struggles in life on social media, I have always been a very real person. But the one thing that I feel I could be a million times more real on is, what mood swings from bipolar disorder really look like.

I have said time and time again that depression is NOT always just “sadness.” In the same sense, mania is NOT always a “good feeling.” There are obvious signs in both of these episodes but there are many signs that people just do not understand at all. Especially in the world where people say the weather is bipolar when it turns to sunshine after rain stops.

Too many people nowadays tend to glorify mental illnesses. People I know personally will joke about themselves being “mentally ill” when they themselves don’t go to therapy, aren’t on medications, and have never even been diagnosed with a mental illness. Believe me, I know that there are people in this world suffering without being able to afford any of that, but the individuals that I know, can well afford it. Many just do not understand the reality of mental illnesses. So let me explain what my reality looks like.

A depression episode to me is seeing the floor from your bed to the door being a 6 mile run. Letting the t.v. just play because you know nothing will bring you joy anyway. It is sleeping in crumbs. It is painfully swollen and dry eye lids from crying for too long. And used kleenex on your bedroom floor. It is only one apple everyday. It is the smell of your body not bathing for five days. A week. It is believing your friends hate you. Your family hates you. You hate you. It is a dull pain all through your body that you only know when you struggle. It is the anger of someone you called “friend” after you just need some validation. The anger of a past lover when he says you are “too much.” And still feeling that you are not enough. It is playing tic tac toe on your wrists. And feeling guilty when it wins. It is the feeling of needing to escape. But not being able to escape from your mind. It is sleeping for 12 hours and still needing more. It is baggy clothes and tangled hair. Crying each time you look in the mirror. It is a deep sense of suicide being the only option. And having that thought constantly in the back of your head. It is only seeing the darkness in your head, no matter how hard you try to remember it will only last a couple of days. As all things do, it then ends.

For a while you start to feel content. You don’t feel super low and you don’t feel over excited. You can breathe. But just as your mind starts to recover, your eyes gloss over with mania.

A manic episode to me is feeling like I might have a heart attack if I don’t stop and breathe for one second. It is impulsivity that you don’t even realize is there. And being so much in the moment that you believe there are no consequences. It is no sleep. And not even feeling tired. It is thoughts going too fast that my mouth can’t keep up with what to say. Or words coming out too fast that my brain can’t keep up with what I am even saying. It is anger. For no reason. Wanting to scream at any minor inconvenience. It is locking yourself in your room because you don’t want to act out. It is the next moment believing you are amazing. And also indestructible. It is crying to your mom because you “don’t feel like yourself.” But also running through the city crying at how beautiful our world is. It is friends telling you ‘that’s not a good idea.” And remembering to listen to them. It is hearing you are “crazy” just as much as you hear the word goodbye. It is not knowing you feel like this until after this episode is over. It is euphoria and dissociation. It is a week going by and you feeling like you weren’t “there” the whole time.

If I told you living with a mental illness is the same as living without one, I would be lying. But should I be treated lesser than or think my life is not as beautiful as someone who doesn’t struggle? No.

Yes, it sucks to take medication everyday, go to therapy twice a week, and deal with these mood swings. But I know who I am and that is Sky. Some days I am the storm and some days I dance in the rain. One thing I am not, is crazy. I am real and not a trend either.

xoxo

Sky

From day 1, I was taught to always be kind. I was taught to stick up for children that were being bullied on the playground. Never have I lost the belief that when people are being mistreated, I will make sure to help in anyway I can. But I was not the only child taught that. Children all over this country are taught this if not by parents, then by teachers and the faculty at schools. So when I hear that people are choosing to be filled with hate, when I hear that people in society are being “bullied” in a greater way, why does it not make sense to fight for the victims of this endless bullying?

Kindness starts at home. My home is in a predominantly white suburb of Chicago. Both my grade school and my high school were predominantly white. I look as white as can be. The roots of my family come from Mexican immigrants, Italian immigrants, and Irish immigrants. But just by looking at me, all you will see is a white girl. My life was wonderfully handed to me. If that is not privilege, then I am not sure what is. There are only two things in my life that hold me back from being the most privileged in society, and that is being a woman and openly speaking about being mentally ill.

In January of 2016, I almost ended my life. I planned it, I took action on it, but then I stopped myself. I then looked in the mirror, and who I saw was not the same girl that I had been up until then. I wanted to die. The bullying at school overtook me. The fighting I had done for so long felt useless. Yet I live a wonderful life in a world where I am privileged. I know that if I was born a black girl, where not only some kids at school were against me, but the whole world was too, I would be dead. That is why I am using my privilege to say this.

In children ages 9-12, the highest percentage of children that take their own lives are among black americans at 9.8% yearly. Let that sink in. Before these children even get to live their lives, they are torn down by racism and oppression. On my worst days, I cannot even handle people making fun of the weird things that I know I do. If I had to face systemic racism in my everyday life, I cannot even imagine the mindset I would be in.

Racism is NOT a controversial issue. It is wrong. There is no excuse for it.

These people protesting are risking their own lives day and night so that their children can roam the streets and come home safely everyday. They are each braver than anyone in my life, including myself.

Kindness starts at home, right? So why is it that I easily see the reason why we should all be standing with our black brothers and sisters, but other people that I grew up with can’t? Being not racist is not hard. Neither is kindness. These people who are risking their lives for what they believe in are not asking for people to miraculously start flying. They are not asking for something that is impossible for humanity to do. They are simply asking to be treated kindly. So it is not a matter of whether or not you personally know someone who is black. It is not a matter of white vs black. It is not a matter of if you care about politics or not. It is simply the matter of killing human beings.

I will NEVER sit back and watch while human life is being murdered. No one should. I do not care what color you are, what your job is, where you came from, if you have a bigger issue with people fighting for their right to live than people dying, YOU are inhumane. So to anyone that might be judging me for fighting for what I believe in, I am judging you for doing nothing.

To all of my family and friends who may disagree with me, I hope one day you have the same love, kindness, and respect for all human life just as you do for your families. I want you to imagine the fear of not knowing if you will see your child come home for dinner. I want you to imagine what you would do if you own child was killed. Not only killed but killed by the people you should feel safe around. Would you not do whatever you can to save someone you love? Would you not want the murderer of your child to be imprisoned? Would you not go to the ends of the Earth to save your child? Your grandchildren? Your nieces and nephews? What if it was me who got murdered. How would you feel?

The reason I am who I am is because you have all taught me to be this way. So when you are angry at me for the action I take in wanting to make the world a better place, remember who told me to love others. Remember who taught me to stick up for the kid getting bullied on the playground. Remember who instilled the belief system that I have. While many people I know let the world make them hard, I was being taught to never let that happen to me.

Not a single life can matter, until all black lives do. Educate yourself. Help educate people that are ignorant. Fight for what is right. Always love one another. If we all just had a little bit of empathy for all people, innocent lives would be saved. And the angry, disgusting, monsters of this world would have no power. Do better. Do better. Do better.

I understand that I will never understand, But I will always stand with you. #blacklivesmatter

xoxo

Sky

I never believed in “bettering” yourself in this time of being quarantined. I knew from the start that being isolated from people I love and places I love, would put me in a depressed state. So each day I have been taking it one day at a time. And there are definitely days where I cry and feel hopeless. But there are others where I turn that grieving into art or go out and help those who are alone. With each day comes a new outlook.

Of course I believe we all should be “bettering” ourselves whenever it is possible. But I felt like I could never better myself if I did not learn more about myself first. So I decided to put my extra time into the research of me. Figuring out how to cope with certain emotions, seeing what I honestly do not really like about myself, and learning how to truly ground myself and be the spiritual person I always have wanted to be.

None of this is easy. The scariest thing to people is facing their true selves. But for me, I felt like the only way I will ever live a fulfilled life is by knowing every inch of who I am. And the one thing that has completely changed my perspective is learning how to just be. I feel like my whole life I have put so much pressure to be a certain person, to act a certain way, to live a certain life. And that pressure as led me to believe that I am not worthy, deserving, good, pretty, or kind enough for most things that the universe wants to hand me. That entire time I could have been believing in myself and loving myself the way I have always wanted to.

The universe gives you what you put out into the world. The universe owes you nothing. And you can live your entire life searching for answers and only living in your own little world, and still be content. But once you figure out that all you need is inside of you, you start loving each piece of you that you did not even know existed.

I always believed in sayings like “everything happens for a reason” and “what is meant to be will be” but I never had the power to put those beliefs into play in my life. So I was filled with constant anxiety about the future or past. I put so much pressure on myself that only made my mental health suffer even more. I do not think I ever felt at peace even in my most peace-filled moments. Until it hit me that I needed to choose me.

It is hard to look inward when you already think poorly about yourself. And it is hard to look inward when the outside world is so very confusing. But it will never make sense if we do not first understand how it makes us feel. It is often hard to learn about yourself when you are constantly being told by others who you are. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. This new form of living that I have started to practice has made me understand so much about who I am, the reason I react to things the way I do, and the biggest thing is I have learned to just let it be. I now feel genuinely grateful for all I have and I will let my life just keep moving.

It is very hard to be in touch with yourself when you struggle with a mental illness. Many times we think that is all that we are and no one can fix that. We listen to the people that think we are not capable of what life has to offer and we listen to the people that call us “crazy.” Believe me I have been there many times. No matter what there will still be people in my life that hear one diagnoses and paint a certain picture of me in their head. But never again will I not be at peace with myself. And to me, that is all that matters.

This life is a long journey with many waves but might as well surf them while we can. So start loving each crack and each scar that you just found you have. Reframe your thinking. Your world is not the only world that exists. There is no reason to fight what is happening in your life. The universe has plans for you and gives you everything for a reason. Soak it all in.

xoxo

Sky

Who do most people not go to for love advice? Probably a nineteen year old girl who is diagnosed with mental illnesses. But I do not really go by what people normally do so of course I decided to take matters into my own hands and write about love. Or the closest thing you can get to it when being nineteen and being horrible at relationships.

If you are close with me, you have definitely heard me say that I do not think I will ever get married. And when most people hear this, they do not really question it just thinking that it is probably because I am a huge feminist, who can have a week long conversation about why I wouldn’t sign my life away to one man. Or simply just because I have a book called, “How To Date Men When You Hate Men.” But believe it or not, that is not my reasoning behind that thought at all.

I just do not think any person can handle me and the mental illnesses I struggle with. I always say that I cannot even handle my emotions, let alone a whole different human. Who has their own life, with their own struggles already. Sad right.

Since the moment I have felt overwhelmed with my emotions, I have thought this hopeless thought. And I can tell you right now that so many people think this simply because of a diagnoses. I am a lover, with a mental illness or without, I am capable of loving and being loved.

Each time the cycle of a new lover comes into my life, I think this thought. I give my whole heart to him, I am open about all I struggle with, and I tell him to let me know if I ever feel too much for him. Each boy replies with a hug saying that he can “handle it.”

Since the world decided that now was a good time to make all people sit at home with nothing but their thoughts for two months, I now see how messed up my way of thinking in each relationship was. I may have been told that I have a mental health diagnoses but I also have been told that I am hilarious. (Yes I told myself that.) But that is not the point. The point is that my diagnoses is one small aspect of who I am. It may feel huge to me somedays and it may feel like that is all I am at moments. But there is so much more that makes me up.

The fact that I needed each boy to tell me they could handle me, makes me want to kick myself in the face. If the person you are with cannot handle you crying, than why would you even want to be with them? If someone cannot handle giving you validation when you believe that everyone on the planet hates you because of your depression, than they are probably too self-centered to even help you up after you fall.

Being in a relationship when you or the person you love is mentally ill is nothing more than any other relationship. It takes understanding, trust, and endless love. And yes, to the person who struggles, it may seem hopeless. I am telling you right now, that it is filled with hope. So if you feel unlovable by one because of the struggles life hands you, then you are not with the right person.

We all may have these struggles that we think make relationships harder, when really in the right relationship, it will make the love even stronger. Believe me when I say your mental illness is not the problem in the relationship. And with the right one, it will never be blamed.

xoxo

Sky

There are so many different ways to say one thing. You can use your eyes. You can do an action. You can put the words in a different order and you can choose a different sentance. You can not say something at all, but tell people exactly what you mean. But will they understand the full meaning?

From the time I knew what the word suicide was to the present day, I have heard every different way of someone telling me not to kill myself. From the time we first realize this earth is not filled with rainbows and butterflies, we learn to not kill ourselves. Never once was I told, “Do not kill yourself.”

We are fed this suicide information from the moment we could spell the word. And we know not to. Believe me we do. And many times you can tell me to stay alive while I nod and smile, but very rarely do I believe you. I have lost the meaning in many words, in many slogans. So please let me remind you.

I know you know that suicide will only cause more pain. I know you know the steps to take when you feel depressed. I know you know not to kill yourself. But please do not kill yourself. Do not kill yourself until you learn how to fly. Without a plane. Do not kill yourself because you have not found your soulmate yet. Do not kill yourself because you have never gone to paris and it has always been a dream. Do not kill yourself because you still do not know how to do your favorite trick on your skateboard yet. Do not kill yourself because you haven’t run through a city at 2 am with your best friends. Or gone skydiving. Do not kill yourself because you still have to prove to your parents that you can live on your own. Do not kill yourself because you won’t be with your best friend. Or with the one you wish to love. Do not kill yourself because you have a mother that brought you into this world and will do anything to make you stay. Do not kill yourself, you will never be able to ask them out. Do not kill yourself because you still want to write a book. Paint a picture. Make a movie. Be in a movie. Perform on a stage. Do not kill yourself, you still have to stand up in your best friend’s wedding. Do not kill yourself, you still have to have a wedding. Do not kill yourself, one day you will be in love. Do not kill yourself, before you have seen every inch of this earth.

I am telling you something so many have said, yet so many do not see the meaning. This world is filled with too much pain and sorrow, that so many of us think we cannot take it. Yet here we are, still living through our hardest days. This world is filled with beauty that pain cannot even ruin. And when you feel like the end is near, remember the faces and moments that aren’t worth letting go.

xoxo

Sky

It is both a curse and a blessing to believe there is good in all people. It is both a blessing and a curse to be such a lover. You hold on to those who treat you badly just because of the tiny piece of love they hand you. Most days of my life I do not even realize I think this way. Until the day my heartbreaks and I wish that I did not give all of my love to someone that tears me down.

After 19 years some may think I would have learned my lesson. Well I have not. Each day I live, I am still meeting new friends, new loves, and thinking this time will be the time I will not get hurt. This time I will be right in what I believe is to be true about this person. But no. I still let people walk on me until they are the one that chooses to leave. I always thought of this as one of the saddest stories I tell. The fact that I never feel like I am the one getting the love. Until now. Now I see how beautiful this story is.

I am a very sensitive soul, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and all I wish in life is to love and be loved. Each time I am sitting with tears in my eyes, I am told that life is a game. That you have to “play hard to get” in order to be wanted. I have always despised being told that because never in my life will I change my heart for one to love me. But never did it occur to me why I thought this way.

Sitting here now, I realize just the reasons why I will not give up on loving people the way I wish to. That is because I always knew in my heart, the right people would want me just the way I am. They would see that heart on my sleeve and care for it. I will keep loving the way I wish because my lover is out there craving to feel loved the way I love the wrong people. And the “wrong” ones I have given my whole heart to, maybe were not so wrong after all. I believe that there was something in them that needed my love the most at that moment, even if it was not reciprocated.

I will never regret the love I have given to the wrong ones.

This is for all of you who are told you are too sensitive. Who are told to minimize your emotions so others will treat you the way you wish. This is for the lovers that hurt more and more everyday. One day all of the love you have given will find it’s way back to you. It may be tomorrow, in ten years, or maybe it is happening right at this very moment. But never let the world make you hard. Do not let it take away that gift of love that so many people in this world need in their lives. And soon the right people will see that love is not such a scary word.

After all, “The more you love, the more you suffer.” I am telling you right now, the suffering is so worth it.

xoxo

Sky

It is not until we cannot live our lives anymore, do we wish for life to happen.

Our world is paused right now. Our lives are solely based on surviving rather than living.

For most people, this time in our lives is scary and overwhelming. There is so much we wanted to do. We miss the ones we love. We wish life could go back to normal. Our world stopped in a blink of an eye and now people wish they could live. I believe everything happens for a reason and it took me a while to figure out why things like this have to happen. Now I know.

I want you to remember these moments the next time life starts again. In this time I hope you can see how precious life is. For each moment can change in less than a second.

So instead of soaking in the sadness of what could have been or what is, use this time to feel each emotion. Learn something you have always wanted to learn. Play the guitar. Or piano. Write music. Workout. Dance with your mom. Pull an all nighter so you can watch the sunset and sunrise in one period of time. Watch the notebook and sob. Get rid of clothes you never wear. Paint. Meditate. Stare out your window and write down every single thing you see. Play wii with your brother. Learn how to bake your favorite cookies. Read a book. Write a book. Pierce your ears. Make a new playlist every single day. Vlog everyday you are stuck in your house. Play the board game that has been sitting on your shelf for years. Talk to your family. Really ask them how they are. Take pictures. You will want to remember these days one day. Facetime your friends. Think about who you wish you were with. Learn who really loves you back. Tell the person you are in love with that you love them. Start a new show on Netflix and tell your best friend to watch it too. Write a list of who makes you feel like sunshine and let them know they are on it. Take a bath.

I hope in this time you see how special life is. So when life does start again, you can live it the way you wish you were this whole time. I do not believe people really see how change can happen in just a moment. This is a time in which we can change how our world looks. Make it a place that is beautiful for you. And remember this when you take life for granted. The time is now.

I wish you all healing, health, and love.

xoxo

Sky

When on the topic of society, I often speak about how wonderful it is to be in a generation that is so open. And I am so beyond thankful that today, we are able to speak about mental health in a way in which we can help other people.

On the other hand, I cannot stop thinking about how messed up my generation and we as a society are. I have written a blog already on how how social media affects all of us. And I touched on how phrases like, “kms” are affecting people who have mental illnesses. But now growing up and being in what people say is “real life,”. I have realized more and more of mental health taboos being a go-to joke to say and mental health medications being abused in selfish manors.

If you know me, you know that I tend to be a very open-minded person. I am not a very judgmental person and I really am not stuck up in any sense. But if there was one thing I get worked-up about, it would be how mental health is labeled in society.

I have all platforms of social media and one trend that seems to be the most popular at the moment is every person having a mental breakdown. Not only do they say they have one, but they go on saying that they dye their hair, get a tattoo, or get a piercing to cope. The definition of a mental breakdown, “is a mental health crisis rather than a diagnosable condition. This crisis will leave you unable to function normally, to go to work or school, to take care of children, or to do any of your usual activities.” As you can see, if you are having a real mental breakdown there is no way you can dye your hair if you cannot even function. But people, especially teens, are using this phrase in a very loose way making it seem as though having “mental breakdowns” is normal to all people. If one is genuinely having a mental breakdown they need to immediately go to a hospital and be treated. No one who is actually struggling with mental health, would be able to post a video of them having a mental breakdown. It is not trendy, it is a real issue.

Next, mental health medications. Being in college and living on campus, you generally see how 18-22 year olds act on a daily bases. The amount of times that I have seen or heard people talk about using anti-psych, anti-anxiety, or anti-depressant medications for recreational use kills me. This is what I see when I witness this happening; I see the drug-dealer being too careless or selfish to understand that their parents are lucky enough to afford medications, yet they choose to not take them. If you are lucky enough to be able to get help and be put on medication for your diagnoses, do not pass that up. There are so many people in this world struggling to live everyday but do not have the funds to get the medicine they need. Those type of people are the reason that each time I run out of one of my medications, I have to go through a whole process to be able to just simply get out of bed in the mornings.

I know it seems as though none of this is a big deal. That I am just overreacting or fighting a battle that is not mine to fight. But before you say anything, think about if you were a student sitting in class the week after your uncle just committed suicide. The person next to you keeps saying that they are going to kill themselves if they do bad on the test. Or you have been in bed for a week now, not being able to do anything but cry and you see an Instagram post from a classmate who just dyed their hair because of a “mental breakdown.”

Try putting yourself in other people’s shoes before you speak or act, Words hurt. Actions hurt. But they do not always have to. Be yourself, not a trend.

Xoxo

Sky

I remember the moment I decided I did not want to live anymore. I was sitting on the floor in the hallway of my upstairs. I had been in what I slept in all day. My family was planning on going to see a movie so I went upstairs to change into something I can go out in. I ended up sobbing into my hands while laying on the floor instead.

It is hard to believe that, that was my life two years ago today. That within moments I could have not been here, two years later. Oh how happy I am to be here.

This blog is dedicated to you, the one who is reading this right now. You are alive. And I am sure you have had many bad days, moments. But I am also sure, that you are alive because you have had many amazing, heart warming moments, too. And if you have struggled with suicide or you are struggling right now at this moment. Look at you, you above all things in life are alive. Right now you are living.

After that day two years ago, I told myself I would start living each day as if it was my last. And although there have been so many days of pain, I have conquered them. And I have lived each day just as I wished. Whether it was saying “screw it, I am going to get out of bed.” Or ‘‘I am going to kayak through caves in the middle of the ocean in California.” No matter what I choose to do that day, I did it because that is what I wanted to do. I did it for myself.

Life is so strange, so beautiful, and so confusing. But one thing I am sure of, is that we are each living for a reason. Each one of us was put on this insane earth to do, to say, to be something. If I left this earth that day, this blog would have never even started. I would have never written a book or gone to college. I would have never fallen in love or gotten my heart broken. I would have never gotten to see my new baby cousin be born or send my best friend off to live her life across the country.

In this life, my time will come, when it comes. But I will not be choosing my fate that is to come. Because this life is mad and crazy but if I believe in one thing, it is that life happens whether you want it to or not. Imagine how lovely it will be when the darkness leaves, because believe me, one day it will. And you will be sitting in Starbucks two years later, thinking about all you have overcome, and you will sit smiling. Sunshine shining on you. I am proud of you for just simply living this long, keep pushing.

Xoxo

Sky