I do get hungry for times when I am fed by the sun hitting my eyes. Then sometimes the hunger turns into starvation and my soul lacks life. It gets stuck and I begin to see no sun, no light. My nutrients for life lacks, suffers. As I wilt away into a star that is starting to die out. That is when I know my skin and my mind hurt. When just oxygen doesn’t keep me alive anymore.
I need more.
I need help.
So I tell the mother of my life, “baby we will figure this out.” She squeezes me tight. The next day I tell my therapist, “hospitalization.” I hear the words flow out of her mouth like an endless river that keeps ebbing forever.
That night I sink into the arms of my bed hoping it will hug me back. When I look at the sky from my bed side window. Then a star stares right at me. The brightest star in that night sky.
One day I will be like that again. Shining, glowing with radiant happiness. But first I must gain help. I must go back to the place that made me feel myself again.
Depression and anxiety come in waves. One day is the earth, moon, and sky. The next is dirt, mold, and worms. And when a day turns into a month, it is time. Time to get help. Get what you need. It is okay. It is something more people need to do. Life is rough, but you do not need to struggle alone.
So that is what I am doing. Going back. To get people to help me find my strength in myself. I have lost it, but just for a moment. I will be back as strong as ever, very soon. I can feel it.