I was sitting on the couch across from my therapist this past Wednesday. I was going on about my life and how I had only six weeks left of my Junior year of high school. I was going on about the work I have accomplished after missing a month of school. I was going on about how I have been reading more than I have in my entire life.
Once I was done speaking, she went on with the usual therapist question, “How does that make you feel?” Me being me, I was not really sure. “I guess okay” I spoke back not thinking it was that big of a deal. She then asked me, “That day. The day you were in the darkest. Did you think you would ever end up here?” It took a moment to let that question sink in. I never thought about that. I never like going back to that day because it scares me. It makes me uncomfortable. But I went back to that day and thought about how I felt. “No.” I said. “I did not even think I was going to make it through that moment.” I spoke back with tears seeping through my dark brown eyes. “Four months later, and you are going beyond just being here, you are living every single day.”
I am almost positive I blacked out for a moment because that sentence hit me so hard. I did not see how far I had come. I am living. One day of my life I never thought I would end up here. I never even thought I would see the next day. Yet here I am, months later. Getting up every morning. And I am living.
My words cannot even come out. I came home that night and was thinking of all of the life I had to come. The sunrises and sunsets I would see. The people I still have to meet. The fact that I still get to graduate and go to college. Traveling. Hearing birds sing in the morning. Laughing. Laying outside and looking up at the stars. Learning how to garden. Skydiving. Going on road trips. Hiking. Camping. New music that still has to come out. Swimming with dolphins. Riding an elephant. If I did not get through that one moment on that one dark day, I would never have the chance to do any of this.
As I sit here, crying while writing, I am not crying because I am sad. I am crying out of joy. It hit me. Hard. I never thought I would have gotten here. But I am. And I am in love with my life. I may have lows still but I love them. Because I am still here. And I still get to see everyday. I get to see my parents smile. I get to feel the warmth of the sun. I am here.
And so are you. Everyday you are living, is worth it. Even though it may be dark. If you get through that moment just imagine what you will see. How many rainbows will paint the sky outside of your window. YOU ARE ALIVE. Be in love with life.
2 thoughts on “Everyday”
this entire month has been so fucking hard for me. now I’m crying after reading this post. in a good way. I think I can make it through this month, now. thank you. you are incredibly strong and resilient.
You can!! lots of love to you and I am so proud of you for just getting through. <3